Bookends
by Cheyne
Summary: Three years after the end of the war, Kanda Yuu finds himself on the doorstep of an old comrade he thought he would never see again. Contains possible spoilers for the series as well as shounen-ai. KandaxAllen/Yullen. ch. 10 is posted!
1. Chapter 1

In retrospect, cutting through this forest was probably not the smartest choice Kanda Yuu could have made. Growling and swearing to himself, Mugen's blade flashed dangerously as it sliced through the thick vines and undergrowth blocking the General's way. "Fuck this," he muttered, hacking away at a rather persistent creeper vine. He'd hoped this route would be faster, but as it turned out, it was nothing but a pain in the ass.

To make matters – and his temper – worse, the sun had disappeared behind the trees not to be seen again until morning, and the moon wasn't up yet. The forest was rapidly becoming pitch black. Rapidly losing patience, Kanda yanked his black cloak with the gold cross on the back free of a thorn bush and pressed onward. The sooner he was out of this God-forsaken forest, the sooner he could rest.

_Just my fucking luck_ he thought to himself, grimacing as he stepped on something that squished unpleasantly. _I should have stuck to the road._

However, what had originally driven Kanda off of the road were the passer-bys who stared at his coat and the badge on it, who jeered at the cross on the ankle-length cape, who occasionally threw more than insults. The war was over and had been for three years, and the general public had never known who it was that had saved their collective asses – but, regardless, in this part of the world the Catholic church was looked down upon. Not that Kanda gave a rat's ass about the church's doctrine – he still wore the uniform and carried Mugen because there were Akuma remaining that needed to be dispatched. Without a leader they wandered aimlessly, and most Exorcists had been sent off around the world to deal with them.

Kanda, though, had left without a word after the final battle was over. In the bag he carried were the very few things that meant anything at all to him – a couple changes of clothes, which were necessary, a book or two, a journal, and his lotus. Everything else had been left behind, not as though there had been much to begin with. Turning his back on that life had been very simple.

He still had to find _that person_ and his time was growing short thanks to the battles waged against the Earl and the Noah.

As though to remind him, the tattoo over his heart ached swiftly. He grimaced and lifted a gloved hand to his badge, worn over the tattoo, as though that would help (it never did). A scowl twisted his features as he once again hacked at a creeper vine threatening to wind around his ankle. "Fuck off," he snarled, though the underbrush certainly couldn't understand him – and if it could, chances were it didn't care anyway.

He would need to stop soon, as much as it galled him. One of the reasons he'd left the Order immediately was that he didn't want the others fussing over him. After being made a General he'd been in battle more often than when he was a simple Exorcist, which of course led to more injuries… and more petals fallen off of the lotus. There were eight in the bottom of the glass and five remaining on the flower itself… a sight which never failed to disturb him when he saw it. It was a visible reminder that his life was nearly over.

Another creeper vine met its end, and Kanda found himself at the end of his patience. The forest, the lotus, the curse, _that person_ - they could all merrily go to hell and _fuck_ themselves. Snarling curses under his breath and now viciously cutting any foliage that dared get in his way, Kanda pushed onward until he reached a clearing.

_Finally._

In the clearing was a small home, which was more of an aggravation than a help. That meant he wouldn't be able to camp there without risking the owner's ire unless he actually spoke with them – assuming they'd allow it. If not, it was back to the forest and the creeper vines. His lip curled at the very idea, and that more than anything motivated him to march up to the house and knock on the door. For all he knew, this forest extended for miles upon miles.

After a moment, the door opened. Kanda opened his mouth to speak, but the words died on his tongue before he could make a sound. The owner of the home looked just as startled… though for a different reason entirely.

Finally, he smiled sadly. "So, the Order found me at last," Allen Walker said, his voice holding a gentle regret. "Hello, Kanda."

Kanda's mouth moved silently for a number of seconds. "Walker," he finally replied, slamming the wall of ice that had always been there back up around himself. He hid his surprise easily with narrowed eyes and sharp words. "So this is where you've been holed up all these years."

Allen nodded, that sad smile still on his face. "Come in," he offered, stepping back. "You must be exhausted, going through that forest."

"You certainly picked a fucking wonderful place to live," Kanda replied coldly, walking inside as invited. Unconsciously, he unbuckled his boots and slid them off before proceeding into the home – it was ingrained in him. Tradition, discipline, honor – Kanda held these things around himself like a regal cloak. They certainly helped in keeping intruders away.

"I like it here," Allen replied cheerfully, walking into the sitting room and gesturing at an armchair. He sat in his own, and when Kanda sat as well, he continued. "It's out of the way. I don't get many people coming by."

Kanda snorted. "I wouldn't have if I hadn't tripped over it," he said, crossing his legs and arms with a slight scowl. "How long have you been hiding here? I thought the Earl finished you off." He paused. "We all did."

Allen blinked, surprised. "What? … no, he didn't." The smile returned, but his eyes were haunted. "After the battle ended, I left. I didn't want to face what might happen."

"You ran," Kanda said, scowling a bit. "What the hell did you think would happen, _moyashi_?"

That nickname got a surprised look and then an honest laugh from Allen, who stood and winked. "Really, Kanda, you can't get away with calling me that anymore. I'm nineteen now… and taller than you."

Kanda raised an eyebrow and stood… and, sure enough, Allen topped him by a couple of inches. He smirked a little. "You're still scrawny, and I'll call you _moyashi_ until you earn your way out of it."

Allen just rolled his eyes and sat back down. "I'm not surprised to hear that from you." He paused. "The Order didn't send you here?"

"No." Kanda sat as well, shrugging. "They all think you died a hero. I stumbled upon you myself… and don't give me that look. I'm not going to run back to them to tell them, mostly because I don't care."

"Of course you don't." Allen looked wistful for a split second, then stood up with that falsely cheerful smile. "You must be starving, though. I'm afraid I don't have any soba, but I do have a lot of food… maybe something will whet your appetite."

Kanda paused a moment, watching him warily. Allen had changed, and he wasn't entirely sure what to make of it. Whether it was a good change or not… only time would tell, most likely. He inclined his head slightly in thanks for the offered hospitality. "My rations ran out two days ago. I'd appreciate something to eat."

Allen's silver eyes widened. "You haven't eaten in two days? God, Kanda, you should have said something sooner!" He hurried into the kitchen, which was open into the living room. "You must be starving."

Kanda sighed softly. "I am." He was exhausted on top of that, and the chair he was sitting in was comfortable. He found himself relaxing, which was unusual – he hadn't _relaxed_ in months. It was the security of being with someone who understood, someone who'd been through the same things he had – someone he could trust to have his back.

It was a little while later when Kanda came back to his senses with a start. Allen was standing next to him, looking worried, holding a bowl of soup. "You fell asleep," he said with that gentle smile of his. "Here… eat this, then you can go to bed. You can use the couch… it's really comfortable."

Kanda accepted the soup with a nod. He was very tired, now that he was sitting down and not struggling his way through the forest. He took a bite, then another, and another – and before he knew it, the bowl was empty and he was a little disappointed. He frowned at his own brief display of vulnerability and stood, taking the bowl back to the kitchen.

Allen looked up and smiled brightly, busily preparing his own dinner. "How was it?" he asked.

"Edible," Kanda muttered. He set the bowl in the sink and washed it out, then glanced at Allen again and nodded slightly. "Thank you."

"You're welcome." The younger boy smiled brightly, then blinked. "Oh! Hang on." He ran into the back room, then came out with his arms loaded with pillows and blankets. He put them on the couch, then smiled. "Sleep as long as you like."

Kanda nodded again. It took him no time at all to get ready for bed in the washroom, and as soon as he hit the couch and burrowed beneath the covers, he was fast asleep. It would be the first time in four months he'd slept in anything remotely resembling a real bed, and the first time since being in the field with any of his comrades that he felt secure enough to get a restful sleep.

He hardly moved until he felt sunlight streaming gently onto his body beneath the blankets. With a soft groan, he stretched and sat up, looking around in brief confusion. Where – oh. Allen's house. The place was silent, which told him that Allen was either not awake or not home – but either way, Kanda had a routine of his own that he was determined to stick to as closely as possible.

A little while later found him outside in the early morning sun with Mugen, going through his forms methodically. It was easy to lose himself in the familiar routine, to let his mind go and think of nothing at all while he swept the blade through the air. Each movement was crisp and precise, each turn well-practiced… and yet somehow, he was instantly aware of eyes watching him. He finished the set and turned, seeing Allen smiling faintly, sitting on the stoop and watching.

"Still as exact as ever," he said, standing and walking over. "I shouldn't be surprised that you still do this every day, should I?"

"No," Kanda said curtly, sitting down and crossing his legs, setting Mugen across his knees and closing his eyes. "Lack of discipline leads to mistakes, which leads to things happening that shouldn't."

Allen hesitated, then sat down next to him. "It's good to see you again, Kanda," he said, his voice soft and honest and everything Kanda had always despised about him. "It's good to see you still carry Mugen."

Kanda snorted and opened one eye slightly. "Why the hell wouldn't I? Mugen is _mine._"

Allen nodded slightly, then sat back on his hands – not gloved, for once, not hiding the black left arm that whirled into a pattern on his shoulder. "How are the others?" he asked curiously. "Lenalee… Lavi… Komui…?"

"How should I know? I left when you did." Kanda exhaled. "I haven't heard from any of them."

"Ah…" Allen shifted a little and looked up at the sky. "… then you're…?"

Kanda glanced at him coolly. "Looking for someone."

Allen blinked and tilted his head. "Looking for someone?" He paused, then shifted so he was crouching down in front of Kanda and peering at him. He sucked in a deep breath, now truly _seeing_ him with no cloth in the way. "God – Kanda…!"

The swordsman glanced down at his chest, then rolled his eyes. "Quit being so fucking melodramatic," he muttered. The tattoo, once a simple 'om', had gone to having a nearly completed circle around it with flared tendrils after fighting Skin Boric. Now, as the petals fell and Kanda recovered, the tendrils extended… down his stomach, around his torso, curling down his left arm, over his shoulder, up his neck.

Allen reached out unconsciously, brushing his fingertips against the om and causing Kanda to jerk back in surprise. "Ah! S-sorry!" Allen pulled his hand back, blushing fiercely. "I just… it's… changed so much…"

Kanda scowled at him. "Of course it has, it's been three fucking years and I didn't run off and hide in a forest to ignore the rest of the world. I've been fighting the whole time."

"I had my reasons," Allen shot back, eyes full of fire. "Since when did you care what other people do or say?"

The swordsman shrugged curtly. "I don't. It's a statement of fact."

Allen looked away and shrugged. "Of course, Kanda. With you, it always is." He stood and stretched, then walked a few feet away and gracefully flipped over so he was standing on his hands. "It's good to know that some things never change, though."

Kanda snorted. "I'm sure it is," he muttered. He rose as well and turned to go back into the house. "I've imposed on you long enough. I need to be on my way."

Allen dropped back onto his feet and followed Kanda inside. "Already?" he asked, and it might have been a brief illusion, but Kanda could have sworn he heard a wistful note of regret in the younger Exorcist's voice. "Well, I suppose that makes sense… if you're on a journey, I shouldn't hold you up." He smiled and walked into the kitchen. "Let me pack some food for you to take with you."

Kanda went into the washroom and shut the door behind himself, then paused and frowned into the mirror. It had been a long time since he'd seen Allen… a long time since the last battle and the business with the Fourteenth. He'd wondered, on occasion, if Allen had fallen to such a fate… but it seemed like he hadn't. That didn't answer the question as to why he'd run off and let everyone believe he was dead, but in Kanda's mind, it was none of his business.

After washing his face and cleaning up a bit, Kanda stepped out and finished buttoning up his shirt. Allen smiled and offered him a sack filled with rations. "Here you go," he said cheerfully. "If you go northeast through the forest from here, you'll reach a little town called River's Edge… well, that's what it is in English, I still can't pronounce it otherwise. You can get a room there, it's about a day's journey from here."

Kanda nodded once in thanks and took the sack, packing it into his bag. He put on his coat and cloak, fastened Mugen to his belt, and slung the bag over his shoulder. He paused, unsure of what to say at that point. "… I appreciate your hospitality. I'm sure we'll meet again."

Allen smiled, but that sad, haunted look was back in his eyes. "Of course we will. Have a safe journey, Kanda."

At the very least, leaving wasn't as awkward as he feared it might be. Allen waved cheerfully from the doorstep as Kanda vanished into the forest, and he paused to glance back once before moving on. "Allen fucking Walker," he muttered to himself as he drew Mugen to cut through the brush again. He didn't need it, as it happened – there was a trail, small and difficult for the untrained eye to catch, but Kanda recognized it immediately. He sheathed Mugen and stepped onto it, and found that the creeper vines left him alone for the most part as he walked.

True to Allen's word, Kanda arrived in the small village of River's Edge at dusk. He found the inn without much trouble and got himself a room for the night, and once he was in it he locked the door and leaned against it, closing his eyes and gritting his teeth. He was furious, and for the simple reason that the _entire way there_ he'd kept thinking about Allen and that last battle – along with all the battles before.

"I want to save them," the boy in his memory said, crying on the steps of a ruined temple in the abandoned city of Martel. "I want to be more than a destroyer!"

Kanda pushed himself away from the door with a snarl. "And how did that work out for you, _moyashi?_" he asked out loud, walking to the window and staring outside. "You're all alone."

Somehow, he knew he wasn't going to be spending much time sleeping that night. It wasn't that he _cared_, right? … no, of course not. The very idea was ludicrous. Still, several hours later as he lay staring at the ceiling, he kept picturing those haunted gray eyes and sad smile.

When morning came, Kanda was already halfway back to Allen's cabin. He wanted answers, and he knew he wouldn't be able to stop fucking ithinking/i about it until he got them. Well, then, he would simply have to deal with this the same way he did everything else – blunt, to the point, and with razor-sharp swiftness. Otherwise, it would plague him until it threatened to drive him mad – and, he thought angrily, he had no time for that. There were still things to do, and he wasn't going to let this get in his way.

--

A/N: It's been a while since I've written anything, so I figured I may as well go ahead for another. - Standard disclaimers apply - I don't own D. Gray-man or the characters therein (though it would be nice if I did). Much thanks to my lovely beta reader, Folded. I hope you all enjoy this story as it progresses!!


	2. Chapter 2

Kanda was bone-weary exhausted by the time he reached Allen's cabin towards evening, and on top of that he was absolutely furious with himself. His body hadn't had enough time to rest, which lent to his exhaustion, and his mind lent to the rest of it by not letting him _sleep_. He grit his teeth at the sight of the small building and walked up to it with a glower.

_Answers_ he told himself as he lifted his fist to knock on the door. _That's all I want. That's why I'm here. Once I get them, I can go back to my own damn life and leave him to his._

The door opened before he could think of anything else, and Allen's face underwent several immediate changes. First was curiosity, second was shock, third was a bright smile that threatened the sun's own light, and forth was a quick mask shoved into place to hide it all. "Kanda! I didn't expect you back… here, come in, you look exhausted. This time, maybe you should stay and rest for a few days."

Kanda had no intention of doing so, and he was going to open his mouth and snap at the falsely cheerful beansprout but instead he just pursed his lips and walked inside. Now he was confused, and that made him even angrier – he didn't know if he wanted to punch that fake smile off of Allen's face or grab the other boy by the shoulders and slam him into the nearest wall and… and _what?_ Kanda wasn't sure, and he wasn't sure he wanted to even risk thinking about it.

"I was just finishing dinner," Allen said, hurrying back to the kitchen. "Of course there's plenty, so pick whatever you like."

Kanda set his things down next to the couch where he'd slept – the blankets and pillows were still there. Allen hadn't asked him any questions, hadn't done anything but smile and welcome him back and offer him a place to rest and warm food that he'd cooked himself. For a second – just a very brief second – he felt almost something like guilty for coming back here in anger. That faded quickly, however, when his mind flashed back to the image of Allen and the Earl clashing. He stood and walked to the kitchen, resting his arms on the counter and peering over it to look at Allen, who was busy doing whatever he could to avoid looking back.

"I want to know the truth," he said curtly. "I don't know why the hell it matters, but it dragged me all the way back out here, and dammit, I want to _know._"

Allen kept his back to Kanda, but his hands stilled over the pot he was stirring. "What do you want to know?" he finally asked, his voice soft and filled with something Kanda couldn't identify. "Is that what brought you back?"

"I want to know the truth." Kanda glared at Allen's back. "I want to know what made you run like a _coward._"

Allen remained quiet for a while, serving the food before it burned and finally turning to look at Kanda with that haunted gaze that had kept him awake the entire night before. "I'll tell you everything after we eat," he said softly. "Right now, you need to focus on regaining your strength. You're too thin and you haven't been resting well."

Kanda's eyes widened a little, then he scowled and looked away. "Tch! I don't need you to take care of me, _moyashi._"

"Of course you don't," Allen replied, setting a plate of food in front of him with a smile that he didn't see. "Either way, please eat something?"

As much as he hated it, Kanda didn't have to be asked twice. He was famished – and food was far too appealing a concept to pass up. He and Allen ate in silence, both brooding in their own ways until the plates were empty and they were staring at each other in silence. Finally, Allen stood and gathered the dishes, put them in the sink, and gestured for Kanda to follow him. Kanda did so, and Allen led him outside into the darkening forest.

The two sat together on the stoop of Allen's home, and silence reigned for a little while longer. Finally, Allen looked at him and smiled, but it was hollow and far away. "Well," he said softly, "I suppose I owe you a story."

Kanda didn't look at him, instead gazing at the slowly appearing stars. "Damn right you do," he muttered.

Allen chuckled – humorless, a sound that sent a shiver up Kanda's spine – and began to speak. "After the battle ended, I ran because the Fourteenth was slowly devouring me. I was giving everything I had in order to fight him and keep him at bay. I needed to seal the Ark… and to make sure he was sealed as well. It was easier to simply disappear than explain… if I'd waited even a bit longer, I may have lost."

Kanda turned his gaze from the sky to Allen and glared. "Without a word to anyone?"

"I didn't want anyone to worry," Allen said softly, looking at the ground. "I just needed to… I needed to do this alone. I didn't forget about any of the promises I made or any of the things I said I'd do. For now, though, it's best for me to live out here where I can't hurt someone if the seal breaks – if I didn't do it properly – if I…"

"If, if, if," Kanda snapped. "You haven't changed a bit, _moyashi._"

Allen looked up at him, gray eyes wide. "Kanda, I…"

Kanda looked away and snorted. "Forget it. So, you went to seal off the Fourteenth and the Ark. Now what? You live here in exile, in fear of what _might_ happen?"

"Yes," Allen said softly. "I live here so that I don't have to live in fear that I may hurt someone I care about."

"Did you fight?" Kanda asked, his voice cold. "Did you _win?_ You said yourself that you sealed him away."

Allen bit his lip. "The… it took a long time, Kanda, a long time in which I wasn't sure if I was going to succeed or not. I've been here ever since, partially because… like I said, I don't want to imagine what will happen if…"

Kanda growled. "If you fucking say 'if' one more time I am going to shove Mugen straight down your throat." He stood and shook his head. "Coming back here was a mistake. I'm going on my way."

"Kanda!" Allen's voice was strained, and he stood quickly to block his way back inside. "I know – I know you think I'm a coward, I'm weak, I'm soft, but I… I'm just trying to move forward in my own way!"

"You aren't moving forward," Kanda replied, his lip curling a bit in a sneer. "You're standing still because you're too fucking afraid and you have no confidence in yourself whatsoever."

Allen stared at him for a moment, then hung his head slightly. "Maybe you're right," he whispered. "I couldn't bear it if I killed someone I care about, so I…"

"So you ran," Kanda said bluntly. "Funny, that's nothing like the Allen Walker I remember. He may have been weak, soft-hearted, and fucking annoying… but he was never, _never_ a coward. Did it ever occur to you to think that we can defend ourselves? Not only do you have no faith in yourself, you have no faith in the people who fought this damn war with you."

"I didn't want to put them through the pain of knowing they ihad/i to fight me!" Allen replied, his voice cracking with emotion. "Not me any longer, but the Fourteenth in my body, using my hands to kill them, to kill them all, and the blood will never, ever wash off –"

**_CRACK!_**

The sound echoed through the still night, and Allen looked up in wide-eyed shock, tears filling his eyes as he lifted his hand to his reddening cheek. "Get a grip," Kanda growled.

For a moment there was no sound except for Allen's ragged breathing. "I'm sorry," he finally said quietly, wrapping his arms around himself and turning away. "I'm sorry, Kanda. I… I never wanted to let you down…"

"Let me down?" Kanda laughed, a harsh, discordant sound. "That should be the last of your fucking worries. You should be more worried about letting your Innocence down and letting yourself down. You're nothing like I remember… you're a pathetic shadow."

Allen nodded slightly. "I probably am," he said quietly, his voice low and broken. "I don't doubt it… and I won't argue. All I can say is that I had my reasons – I always had my reasons. I didn't run for my sake."

Kanda glared down at him. "Didn't you?" he replied, his voice cold. "Did you run because you were afraid for them, or because you were afraid of yourself?"

Allen didn't reply. He wrapped his arms around himself and turned away, moving so Kanda could go inside. Kanda went and didn't look back, walked straight to that couch – dammit, where all the blankets still were, with the aroma of dinner still in the air – he looked at his bag, packed and ready to go – and swore softly. _Why the hell can't I leave?_ he asked himself angrily. _My being here is fucking pointless! If Allen wants to turn himself into a Goddamn shadow of himself, he can go right ahead. I don't give a fuck what he does._

He still wasn't moving, though. He stared down at the blankets, brightly-patterned and warm, and closed his eyes briefly as he remembered Allen's bright smile when he'd first opened the door and found Kanda on his doorstep. He remembered after the battle, gripping Mugen tightly and looking around, the stench of blood and death thick in the air – and no sign of those soulful gray eyes anywhere. Finally… he remembered Allen wrapping his arms around himself, looking so broken and defeated, moving aside so Kanda could leave.

_Shit._

He grit his teeth and turned, walking back to the door. Allen had walked a bit away from the house, standing in the clearing and looking up at the sky with his back to the house. He was still hugging himself, and Kanda – Kanda, who had always _sucked_ with people and emotions – he could almost feel the despair and depression radiating off of him. He only paused a moment before calling out.

"_Moyashi._"

Allen turned, surprised, and slowly lowered his arms. "… aren't you leaving?"

Kanda snorted. "No. I'm fucking exhausted and I've been on the road for… tch. Months. I'm taking a break."

Gray eyes widened. "But… your journey?"

"It isn't going to matter if I leave tonight or a week from now," Kanda replied scornfully. "Don't be an idiot."

Allen paused for a moment, then smiled and nodded. "Okay. I'll be glad to have you here… Kanda."

Kanda just shook his head and went back inside, wondering when the hell Allen had managed to crawl under his skin and _stay_ there. He'd been interested in the stupid sprout when they were younger – a passing fancy, a desire he'd admitted to himself because he firmly believed that lying to himself was a weakness, and he couldn't afford any weaknesses. He needed to know himself inside out, and so he did. He brutally examined each thought, each emotion, and squashed them accordingly. _That life isn't for you. You have your duty. Don't forget your goals._

That hadn't kept away the brief thoughts that passed, wondering if Allen was alright on a mission – nor had it doused the odd grief he'd felt when Allen was simply gone after that day. Kanda set his jaw as he pulled his sleeping clothes from his bag and went into the washroom to get ready for bed. _Don't think about it now. Tonight is the time to rest, tomorrow is the time to meditate over this._

When he went back into the living room, Allen was sitting in the armchair next to the couch. Kanda didn't look at him as he sat down and rummaged for his brush, then took his hair out of its tail and began to brush the day's tangles out. He could feel Allen's eyes on him, but he didn't look up – instead, he used his hair to his advantage, keeping it in front of his face as he methodically smoothed and untangled it.

Kanda didn't see it, but Allen's fingers twitched slightly as though he wanted to reach out and touch the flow of black silk. He kept methodically brushing until he couldn't stand it anymore, and he finally looked up at Allen with a glare. "What?"

Allen jumped a little, then smiled and lifted his hands in a gesture of peace. "Nothing! Sorry… I was just thinking that I've never seen you brush your hair before."

"Of course you haven't," Kanda snapped, studiously looking at the floor as opposed to Allen. "Idiot. Why the hell does something like that matter?"

"I don't know," Allen replied, drawing his legs up in the chair and watching. "I suppose… it's just because I haven't seen you in so long."

Kanda snorted and ran his fingers through his hair, then set the brush down and settled back into the couch cushions. The couch was over-stuffed and endlessly comfortable, and Kanda found himself relaxing before he was really aware of what was going on. As his eyes fluttered closed, he was vaguely aware of a soft laugh and hands gently resting on his arms, pushing him down. He opened his eyes again and went to protest, but he was too tired – and all he could do was grumble faintly as Allen covered him with the blankets.

"Sleep well, Kanda," he whispered, and then Kanda knew no more beyond the warmth and the scent of cedar.

--

**A/N:** Thank you all so much for your kind words and encouragement after the first chapter! I hope you will bear with me as I develop Allen and Kanda's characters and how they interact and react to one another. I'm having a lot of fun writing this story thus far, and I hope you're having just as much fun reading it! There is more to Allen's story that he has not told and Kanda's as well to reveal, and that will be upcoming in the next couple of chapters. Once again, thanks to my lovely beta-reader Folded. - Of course, all standard disclaimers apply: I don't own D. Gray-man or the characters in it, but I do lay claim to the ideas in this story, 'Bookends'. Out of curiosity - does anyone catch the title reference? I'm curious


	3. Chapter 3

The next two days passed uneventfully. Kanda found himself almost settling into a routine, even in that short time period – he'd wake up in the morning and go train, and when Allen joined him they would spar. After that was breakfast and various chores (of which there weren't many), then time to meditate, read, and relax… then lunch, afternoon sparring and training, dinner, and sitting together quietly in the living room as the fire crackled in the fireplace. It was quiet and comfortable, and Kanda found himself enjoying his time there far more than he likely should have.

On the third night, the still of the darkness was broken by a cry. Kanda sat bolt upright, woken from a sound sleep, and within seconds he was in Allen's room with Mugen drawn. When he saw nothing other than Allen sitting upright in bed, his left hand pressed to his chest and breathing hard, he sheathed Mugen and sighed irritably.

"What is it?" he asked curtly. "A nightmare?"

Allen nodded slightly, looking down at his blankets. "Sorry to wake you," he said, and the tone of his voice made Kanda frown. Typically vibrant and strong, Allen's tenor was quiet, breathy, and uncertain. Whatever he'd dreamed, it had rattled him to the bone.

Kanda crossed his arms and leaned against the wall by the door. "Dreams can't hurt you," he said, his tone short. "Go back to sleep."

The boy in the bed nodded wearily and closed his eyes, but didn't lay back down. "I know they can't," he said softly, "but I don't want to see them all the same… so I'm just going to get up." He opened his eyes and looked at Kanda with a smile that set his teeth on edge. "Are you hungry? I'll start breakfast if – "

"Stop right fucking now," Kanda growled, fixing him with a glare so fierce that the younger Exorcist actually flinched back a bit. "Don't act like everything is fine if it isn't. I dealt with that all through the war when it was necessary, but now I'm not going to put up with it. All you're doing is lying to yourself, and I can't stand people who do that!"

Allen's eyes widened, then closed as he smiled wryly. "So, you'll hate me either way," he said softly, echoing words from years ago on their first mission together.

Kanda stared at him for a long moment, then snorted a bit and looked away. "I don't hate you, Walker. Get out of bed. I'll make tea and you can tell me what the hell is going on."

With that, Kanda stalked out of Allen's room and went to the kitchen, putting water on the stove to boil. _Why the fuck do I care?_ he asked himself for what felt like the millionth time. _I have things I need to be doing. I shouldn't even be here._

A few moments later, Allen joined him in the living room. He wore a long-sleeved linen tunic and soft black trousers, and he said not a word when Kanda thrust a mug of tea at him. He sat in the chair next to the couch that had become Kanda's bed, and Kanda sat on the couch. He stared at Allen for a long moment, waiting for him to speak – but when all he did was sit there with his head bowed, Kanda's patience snapped.

"Talk," he ordered. "Bottling it up and ignoring it makes it into a weakness, and you certainly don't need more of those."

That drew a reaction. Allen made a small sound – possibly a laugh, possibly not – and lifted his head. His eyes were dark, and he wore an expression Kanda hadn't seen on his face before… and what bothered him most was that he couldn't put a name to it. "Do you care about anything else, Kanda? Strengths, weaknesses… did you ever see any of the people behind them?"

Kanda's eyes narrowed. "This isn't about me."

"Of course not." A sardonic smile curved Allen's lips and he shrugged, looking back down at the mug of tea. "Do you remember when I played and sang, and restored the Ark?"

"Yes," Kanda replied, almost obediently. He sensed that Allen wouldn't continue unless he acknowledged the words.

Allen nodded slightly. "After that… I began seeing a strange shadow. When Master told me that I had the memories of the Fourteenth, the only Noah who'd stood against the Earl… he also told me that I was destined to kill someone I loved. At the time I thought he meant it could be someone random, but as the war went on I began to realize it was more than that." He paused to take a sip of the tea, then continued. "I sealed the Ark and the Fourteenth, but that doesn't stop the nightmares… it doesn't stop me from seeing someone I care about dead at my feet." He sighed quietly. "That's not all I dream about, but… that's the worst of it."

They'd spoken about this the other day. Kanda wondered if he would be able to choose his words more carefully this time, and doubted it entirely. "You're such a bleeding heart," he muttered. "You're afraid of shadows that aren't even there anymore."

"I know," Allen said softly. "I can't escape this fear that… that maybe I made a mistake, that I didn't seal everything properly, that… that as soon as I let myself love someone, the Fourteenth will overtake me and I'll kill that person before I can stop myself."

Kanda snorted. "You love everyone," he countered. "Humans, Akuma, Noah, even the damn Earl. I think that's a fairly unfounded fear."

Allen grimaced. "Don't you think it's worse if you look at it that way?" he countered. "I could very well kill _everyone._"

"I'd kill you myself if you tried," Kanda replied without really thinking about the implications of his words… and when Allen's head snapped up to look at him, he immediately regretted saying them.

"You would?" Allen's voice was low and tight, and his expression held an intensity that Kanda hadn't seen in him before. "You really would?"

Kanda looked at him, and for the first time he felt a bit of unease. "Yes," he snapped, using anger to cover his discomfort, "I fucking would. Do you think I'd let a Noah go on a bloody rampage and do nothing to stop it?"

Allen looked back for a long moment, then smiled slightly. "You aren't with me all the time," he pointed out, "but I appreciate the thought. You have to go on with your own life."

"And you have to go on with yours," Kanda shot back. "What about your mantra of 'keep moving forward'? You even said the last time we spoke about this that you were trying to do that, and I told you that you're standing still. You still are, and you'll never start walking again until you get over this fear of yours."

A soft snort was his only response for a few minutes, then Allen sighed softly. "I'm sure you're right," he whispered. "I've thought a lot about what you said… about whether I ran for myself or for the sake of others." He stood abruptly and went to the table near the kitchen, blowing out the candle and plunging the room into darkness. He sat down again, and it was another few moments before he spoke. "I was… afraid of what I would do. Afraid of what I couldn't stop myself from doing."

In the inky blackness, Kanda also felt more comfortable and less like he had to hide his feelings. "You?" he asked tersely. "You, or the Fourteenth?"

"If I lost, it wouldn't have been me," Allen admitted. "But… if I lost, it would have been my fault."

Kanda snorted faintly. "It's so like you to blame yourself for things that can't be helped," he muttered. "When will you ever learn that you aren't accountable for everything, _moyashi?_"

"It's Allen," the younger Exorcist replied almost absently, "and I don't think that's… it. It's… just like Lenalee, my friends are everything to me, Kanda. If I lost control, and if… if it was you who died because of it, for example, I…"

"Tch." Kanda put his empty mug on the table by the couch and stared into the darkness. "As if you'd ever be able to defeat me. I've already taken out one damn Noah, so what's another?"

Allen chuckled softly. "Of course you'd see it that way, wouldn't you," he said, his voice sounding a little odd.

Kanda closed his eyes. "Why wouldn't I?" he countered. "I said I'd kill you if you tried any of that bullshit, didn't I?"

"Yes… I suppose you did." The room fell into silence for a little while, and Kanda was wondering if Allen had fallen asleep again when the cursed boy spoke once again. "Kanda…" His voice was thin and whispery, and the swordsman had to strain to hear him. "Kanda, when Cross told me I'd kill someone I loved one day should the Fourteenth overtake me… do you know who I feared for the most?"

All at once, Kanda wasn't sure he wanted to hear the answer. He'd already examined his own feelings about Allen when he was younger, but hadn't had the patience to do so since deciding to stick around. All Allen had managed to do was confuse the hell out of him, honestly, and he found that he just didn't know how to resolve it. "No," he finally said curtly, figuring that getting it over with quickly would be best.

He didn't realize Allen had moved until the cushions of the couch next to him buckled under his weight, didn't realize that Allen's left hand cupped his cheek with a tenderness he'd never experienced until it was too late to move. In this darkness… it was so easy to say things and admit things that had been there for years. "Do you really not know?" he whispered, so near that Kanda could almost feel the warmth of breath ghosting against his lips.

By then, he was trapped. He was certain that Allen could hear every quick beat of his heart, the way his breath hitched slightly in his throat. "What the fuck do you think you're doing?" he demanded, but the words lacked the strength he needed to push Allen away. In that one moment, he wasn't even sure if he wanted to… and Allen knew it. Allen leaned closer, and then Kanda really could feel soft breath against his skin.

"Do you… really… not know?" he asked again, and then his lips were pressed against Kanda's and all rational thought fled from the swordsman's mind. All he knew was the soft warmth of Allen's lips, the warmth of the hand cupping his cheek, and the arm slowly sliding around the small of his back. He made a soft sound – maybe a protest, maybe not – and Allen smiled into the kiss. "You aren't fighting," he whispered, drawing back just a bit.

Kanda stared at him, wide-eyed and struggling to come up with some sort of response. Those feelings he thought he'd crushed years ago surged back, and all he could do was tremble faintly. "Should I?" he finally managed to counter, narrowing his eyes a bit. He wasn't used to this storm of emotions… wasn't used to being in a situation that he couldn't control. It was all in Allen's hands.

Allen moved his left hand to the back of Kanda's neck, lightly rubbing the base of his skull. That practically made Kanda melt into his arms, startled at his own response but unable to control it. "Not if you don't want to," he said, and his voice held a longing ache. "If… if you want to stay like this… then you shouldn't fight back."

Kanda didn't know what to do. His iron discipline and willpower had kept him from this for years, but Allen seemed to have taken all of that and set it aside for this one moment. The sun was starting to rise, and in the soft pre-dawn light, Allen was glowing. He looked as though he was lit from within… and it showed in the soft smile on his face, the innocent wonder in his eyes. Kanda felt an unfamiliar ache in his throat, a twist in his chest that he didn't recognize.

Slowly, agonizingly slowly, Allen drew him down on the couch until they were twined together. When Kanda tensed, Allen soothed him with a gentle hand on his back, and he gradually began to unwind. Allen was warm and solid and real, and Kanda was quickly realizing that there was part of him – the _human_ part – that craved this care, this gentle embrace. It made no sense, it was wildly illogical, but there it was… and it kept him from fleeing.

They lay together in silence as the sun rose, both breathing quietly and thinking of nothing. Allen's voice drew Kanda out of his half-doze, and he was shocked when he woke that he'd even started to fall asleep. "I was so afraid for you," he whispered. "I was afraid that you would kill the Fourteenth – and whatever was left of me – and that you'd never think of me again."

"Idiot," Kanda muttered, but there was no force at all behind the insult. He couldn't muster it up now if he'd wanted to. "What the hell makes you think something so stupid?"

"I don't know," Allen murmured, tightening his grip a little. "It was… just something I was worried about, back then. I'd planned on finding you after the battle was over, at least to say goodbye, but you were wounded and I was terrified that I was slipping. I couldn't take the risk."

Kanda snorted faintly. "Once again you underestimate me. Shut up, _moyashi._"

"You wanted to hear it!" the younger Exorcist protested. "Now you're telling me to shut up?"

"Yes," Kanda replied, growling a bit. "I'm telling you to shut up and quit dwelling on it, because it didn't happen then and it won't happen now."

"Bakanda," Allen muttered, then yelped a bit when the name earned him a rough pinch to his arm. Instead of retaliating, though, Allen just huffed and lay still. "You really wouldn't have forgotten me?" he finally whispered, and something in the question told Kanda that an answer was necessary.

When the answer came, it was in the same curt tone Kanda always used, but it made Allen smile that brilliant smile he had when Kanda had returned to his house. He'd hidden it then, but this time he didn't bother – and part of Kanda was satisfied. He leaned forward and kissed Allen again, surprising him – but Allen's arms were strong around him, and Kanda knew he wasn't going to let go.

A few moments later, Allen stretched lazily. "Shouldn't you be outside with Mugen?" he asked, a teasing note to his voice. Kanda grunted, and Allen chuckled. "Go on. I don't want to mess up your routine. I'll make breakfast instead."

Kanda growled when Allen tried to let go, and the cursed boy's laughter filled the room like the sunlight. Still, Kanda sat up and Allen stood and headed to the kitchen. He grabbed Mugen and fled outside without a backwards glance, suddenly needing the soothing normalcy of his morning routine. Allen had somehow known he would need it, and Kanda was fervently thankful – though the world would end abruptly before he said a word about it.

An hour or so later, Kanda went back inside feeling calm and collected. Rather than trying to figure out what the hell had just happened, he'd decided it was easiest to simply accept it and move forward instead of struggling against the current. There was one thing, though, and when they sat down at the table, Kanda looked at Allen seriously.

"I have to leave soon," he said firmly. "I can't give up my search."

"I know," Allen replied calmly, taking a bite of a buttery roll. He swallowed it and then smiled charmingly. "I want to come with you."

Kanda blinked. Of all the responses he'd expected, that wasn't one of them. "You what?" he finally asked. "What the hell makes you think I'll allow that?"

Allen's smile, though innocent, held a hint of deviousness. "You allowed this morning to happen. I should think having another capable fighter with you on your trip would make more sense."

As much as he was loathe to admit it, Allen was right. It would be a good thing to have another Exorcist with him, if only to take out the stray Akuma… and, he thought grudgingly, it would be good to have Allen with him period. "Fine," he said briskly, shrugging. "Do what you want."

"I will," Allen replied cheerfully, biting into his roll again with a cheeky grin.

Kanda resisted the urge to put his hand to his forehead. _What the hell have I managed to get myself into now?_

--

**A/N:** I apologize for the lateness of this chapter! As always, thank you so much for the reviews you've given so far. I'm so glad people are enjoying this story! Thanks again to my beta-reader, Folded, who seems to be made of limitless patience- and thanks to all my readers as well! Also, standard disclaimers do apply to this chapter as the rest.


	4. Chapter 4

"I think I'm ready," Allen said softly. "I've got everything I think we'll need… the rest can just stay here until I come back."

Kanda nodded slightly. His own bag was ready to go, and he'd been waiting by the door for Allen to finish packing for quite some time now. Allen seemed a bit wistful, and he supposed he could understand that – after all, the bean sprout had been living here for a long time. He'd personally never developed much of an attachment to any specific place, but he had to admit that this place had a certain feeling of peace around it.

The two walked outside into the mist of the morning, and Allen paused to lock the house and make certain everything was secure. After a moment, he joined Kanda on the edge of the clearing with a smile. "Shall we go? We'll make River's Edge by nightfall."

Kanda turned without a word and headed off to the path he'd taken to the small town the first time around. Allen followed along, just as he had years ago, and for a moment Kanda was taken back in time to when they were on missions together at the start of Allen's tenure in the Order. He quickly shook off the melancholy and glanced over his shoulder at Allen. "Do you even know where we're going, _moyashi?_"

"It's Allen," the taller boy grumbled, "and no, I don't. You haven't told me yet."

Kanda rolled his eyes. He hadn't told Allen yet, of course – he hadn't told Allen anything about himself. He'd kept the focus on Allen and his own state of mind… but unfortunately, that was going to come to an end. "I'll tell you in the inn," he muttered, and he didn't say another word about it – or anything else – for the rest of the walk.

When the arrived at River's Edge, Kanda went straight to the same inn he'd been in before. Allen walked in ahead of him with a smile, and the innkeeper greeted them both cheerfully. He didn't seem to recognize Kanda as having been there the week before, barely sparing him a glance.

"Good evening," he said cheerfully. "Would you and your lady like a room?"

Dead silence for a few seconds, and before Kanda could start yelling Allen put a hand on his arm and smiled at the innkeeper. "Yes, thank you," he said politely. "If there's one available."

Kanda grit his teeth hard and was about to threaten murder when Allen's hand tightened on his arm. The innkeeper gave them a key and Allen escorted Kanda upstairs, and once they were in their room, Kanda exploded.

"What the fuck was that about?" he yelled. "I'm not anyone's goddamn lady!"

"I know," Allen said soothingly, "but… well, it's typically looked upon poorly when two men share a room in this part of the world. I didn't think you'd want to pay for two."

It took a moment, but finally the red that tinged the swordsman's vision died away. He looked around the room with a glower. "And where the hell do you propose one of us sleep? The floor?" It wouldn't have been the first time for either of them, certainly, but it was the principle of the matter at this point.

Allen smirked faintly. "We could share," he suggested. When his words were met with a fierce glare, Allen laughed merrily. "I promise I don't steal the covers!"

Unbidden, the memory of that morning came back to him. He'd been warm and comfortable in Allen's arms on the couch… but that was hours ago, and now that he was removed from the situation, Kanda was starting to have some serious doubts. He'd never allowed it before, so why now? What had changed?

It only took one glance at Allen, who was rifling through his bag for something, to answer that question for him. iI never fucking got over him./i

"I'm going to take a bath," Allen said cheerfully, coming up with a small bag and a pair of pajamas. "Tomorrow morning we can make sure we have all the supplies we need… the things I didn't have at my house."

Kanda nodded curtly. "Don't take forever," he said, beginning to get the things he'd need out of his own bag without looking back. Before leaving, Allen walked over and kissed him lightly on the cheek, then laughed softly and ran out of the room as Kanda turned to scowl at him. "Fucking bean sprout," he growled at the now-closed door. "Your 'lady'... fuck that!"

An hour or so later, when both Kanda and Allen were clean and fed, Allen gave the swordsman a significant look. "You were going to tell me what's going on," he reminded gently. "I'd like to know what I'm getting into so I can plan for it."

Kanda didn't look at him or speak for a little while, struggling with himself. He hadn't told anyone this story, ever – only General Tiedoll knew bits and pieces of it, and even then he didn't know all of it. "I'm looking for someone," he finally said grudgingly. "I paid a price years ago to ensure that I will find him before I die."

"And… you have no idea where he is?" Allen watched him, gauging his reactions.

"No," Kanda said flatly. "I have a general idea. We're going to Japan."

Allen's eyes widened a little. Even though the Earl had been defeated, Japan was still widely considered unsafe by the Vatican. Teams of Exorcists had been sent in to clean it out, but even still, Akuma roamed the countryside and hid in the cities. "This is serious, then," he said quietly. His eyes went to the black and gold coat hanging on a peg next to Kanda's, a coat he hadn't worn in years, and let his breath out slowly.

"Yes." Kanda watched him, dark eyes narrowing slightly. "You don't have to come with me. Turn around and go home if that's what you want."

Allen looked at him with a gentle smile. "I'm not going anywhere, Kanda, except with you." He walked over to the swordsman, who stood by the window with his arms crossed tightly, and reached up to touch his face with his right hand. "I said I would help you, and I will," he murmured. "I'm not going back on my word."

Kanda stared up at him - _up_ at the naïve little bean sprout who'd come into his world unbidden years ago – and before he could say anything, Allen was kissing him again. It was funny how, when that happened, all rational thought flew from his mind. Just like that morning, he was unable to break away… he simply stood still and let it wash over him, feeling it carrying him away like a gentle current. Before he really realized what was happening, his hands had settled lightly at Allen's waist and Allen's arms had slipped around his own, and Allen was gently drawing him away from the wall and towards the bed –

_No, no, no –_

"Shh," Allen soothed, feeling the sudden tenseness and looking down to see wide dark eyes staring back up at him. "I'm not going to hurt you, Kanda. I'd never do that. I just wanted to rest… you still have to sleep and recover, and I figured you'd be more likely to fall asleep laying down."

"Like you could hurt me," Kanda snapped back, suddenly feeling foolish and ashamed and very young. Allen clearly had experience where he did not, and he drew away and stalked to the bed without another word. The worst of it was that he knew Allen could hurt him and hurt him very badly, which was exactly why he'd never let his heart get involved with anyone or anything during the war. He'd made that mistake with his teammates and his Master when he was too young to know better, and look where that had gotten him. Marie lived, but Daisya and Tiedoll were nothing but memories and ashes.

Allen watched him for a moment, then followed, silent on bare feet. "I don't want to," he whispered. "That's… the whole thing, Kanda. I don't ever want to hurt you. Haven't we both hurt enough already?"

Kanda got into bed silently, then stiffened when Allen slipped in next to him and embraced him from behind. He wanted to say 'don't', to say 'let go of me', but the words just wouldn't come. _I want this. Damn it all to hell… this will ruin me._

"Kanda," Allen breathed, lips right next to his ear. "I'll be with you every step of the way. I know it isn't much, but… whatever I can do, whatever I can give, I will. I promise."

The swordsman stared silently at the wall, not knowing what to say or even if he wanted to say anything at all. It was easiest to just lay there and not speak, to try in vain to summon the walls of ice that he'd constructed around himself and held firm throughout the war. Unfortunately, three years of being alone had worn at them… when there was nobody around, it was easy to simply ibe/i and not worry about it. With Allen here now, he was hard-pressed to go back to the way he had been… and now he was some sort of strange mixture of the two that left him feeling confused and vulnerable.

Allen seemed to sense his inner turmoil and said nothing for a few moments, simply being close and trying to offer comfort. Finally, he laughed softly, causing Kanda to turn his head just an inch out of curiosity. "It's funny," Allen said, still chuckling a little. "I never even thought I'd see you again, much less… well, I thought if I ever told you how I felt about you, you'd just run me straight through."

"I would have," Kanda said curtly. "Neither of us had time for that kind of bullshit during the war."

"And now?" Allen whispered, his voice sending a thrill up Kanda's spine. "Do we have time now?"

Kanda grit his teeth, then shrugged as best he could. "I don't care what you do," he replied, and that was as close to a 'yes' as Allen could ever hope to get from him.

With a smile, Allen took it for exactly what it was, and he snuggled closer. "Good," he murmured. "I'm glad."

The two lay quietly for a while longer, and Kanda felt himself beginning to relax and unwind. This was certainly not where he'd pictured himself being, but he couldn't really imagine himself anywhere else… and it was as good a place as any, he figured. He may not have admitted it to Allen, or even to himself yet, but he was genuinely glad that Allen had survived… that he was still alive for Kanda to call imoyashi/i to rail about being soft-hearted, to…

… to lay here with, and feel the warmth of his body and the strength of his arms.

Slowly, almost despite himself, Kanda rolled over to face him. Allen's gray eyes opened slightly, then all the way, somewhat surprised. He'd been dozing, and Kanda felt something odd in his stomach. That Allen trusted him so much, to be so close and to sleep unguarded… it was a lot to take in, and yet he had to, and all at once. Allen gazed at him, not speaking, and this time it was Kanda who initiated the kiss.

His senses sharpened in that instant, almost as if he was leaping into battle with Mugen activated and slicing the air. He heard the slight hitch of breath as his lips approached Allen's, and the slight exhale when they pressed together. He felt a barely-there tremble rush through Allen's body before the younger Exorcist moved closer and slowly ran his hand up to rest between the swordsman's shoulder blades. He saw, as his eyes slowly closed, Allen's eyes doing the same… but not before he saw the barest sheen of tears.

Allen was crying.

Kanda pulled back, startled, and Allen's eyes flew open. "Ah!" The cursed boy lifted his hand quickly and wiped at his eyes, trying to laugh it off. "I'm sorry, I just… I don't know what…"

"Tch," Kanda muttered, shifting so it was he who held Allen close, just as he might have done – as he wanted to have done so badly – when they were young and terrified and heart-sick at the things they'd seen during the war. Allen clung to him, and suddenly they were those children again, and the war was horrible and real, and either of them could die any day, at any moment.

When the moment passed, Allen sniffled a little and shook his head. "I'm sorry," he whispered. "I don't know… I lost control. I'm sorry."

Kanda closed his eyes and bowed his head slightly, turning his face into Allen's silver-white hair. "Don't apologize," he muttered. "You don't mean it anyway."

"I do too," the younger boy insisted, but he made no move to escape Kanda's arms. "You don't always have to contradict everything I say!"

"Shut up, _moyashi._"

"It's _Allen._"

"I don't fucking care. Shut _up_ already!"

Instead of retorting, Allen kissed him hard to gain control. Kanda was going to have none of it, and he kissed back just as fiercely, putting one hand on the back of Allen's head and tangling his fingers in his hair. Allen moaned quietly as that hand pulled his hair and forced him to tip his head back, and Kanda's mouth found its way along his jaw and down his neck. A thrill passed through Kanda's body at the sound, and he realized that one step further would take them somewhere that he wasn't anywhere near ready to go.

"Kanda," Allen said softly, and he knew that Allen was giving him an escape. He took it gladly and pulled back, scoffing the whole way.

"Idiot," he said curtly. "Go to sleep."

Allen smiled at him and curled up against him again, and Kanda let his breath out slowly as he tried to adjust to this closeness. When Allen spoke, his breath stirred Kanda's bangs, making him wrinkle his forehead at the sensation. "Kanda…?"

"What?" Kanda grumbled.

Allen paused as though uncertain, then finally spoke. "Who… who is it that we're looking for?"

Kanda stiffened and went to pull away, but when Allen held him tighter, he grit his teeth and stayed still. He wanted to punch the bastard for daring to ask, but… he was going with, was getting into this just as Kanda was, and it was his right to know.

He drew a breath and let it out slowly. "My uncle," he finally said flatly. "He betrayed my father and sent our family into ruin." Allen started to speak, but Kanda silenced him with a harsh glare. "Don't ask again, _moyashi._"

Allen obediently remained quiet and held Kanda close, and when he fell asleep, Kanda rolled over to face the wall. Allen curled up against his back, though, and Kanda spent the rest of his time awake wondering if he'd made a horrible mistake by dragging the younger Exorcist into this mess… but it was too late to back out now.

--

**A/N:** Thanks so much for sticking with me throughout this story!! Just as a bit of preparation, the next chapter will switch to Allen's point of view as they begin their search for Kanda's "that person". I thought it might make things more interesting to not know exactly what Kanda is thinking or feeling during all of this (not to mention there's less chance of me making mistakes and putting him out of character... he's so difficult x.x). Once again, my thanks to my beta-reader and to all of you who've given me encouragement and kind words. Truly, thank you!


	5. Chapter 5

Allen Walker had, he reflected, woken up in many places during his lifetime. On the streets, wherever his Master had taken him, in his room in the Order, in countless inns and hostels and even whorehouses – but never, he decided, had he woken up in a place so wonderful as Kanda Yuu's arms. He smiled sleepily as he woke, letting himself slowly come to consciousness as birds sang outside to herald the morning. Kanda was still asleep, testament to his weariness from his travels, and Allen was loathe to wake him… so he just lay still and breathed slowly, the scent of sage and cedar making his blood warm.

As the dawn broke, Allen let himself slip back into a half-doze as he thought about the events of the past week or two. He'd certainly never expected to see anyone from the Order again, much less Kanda, and… well, Kanda had come right back into his world without so much as a 'by your leave'. Not that Allen minded, of course; he'd been head over heels for the raven-haired Exorcist almost since they'd first met. Oh, certainly he was cold and arrogant and sometimes downright vicious, but Allen had seen through that to the heart below… though, granted, it had taken most of the war to see it. He'd developed a crush on the beautiful exterior, even the harsh words didn't seem quite so bad as time wore on… but he didn't fall in love until towards the end of the war, when he'd found Kanda alone on the roof of the Order, silently mourning the loss of his Master.

Allen sighed softly and shifted a bit, stretching stiff muscles and running his hand slowly up and down Kanda's back. As much as he hated it, he knew they needed to be going… and Kanda would only snap at him if Allen let him sleep too late. "Kanda," he murmured, rubbing his cheek against the top of the swordsman's head. "Wake up…"

Kanda made a soft noise and shifted a little, then stretched and slowly opened his eyes. He looked a little confused, a little vulnerable… and Allen couldn't resist leaning forward to kiss those soft, barely-parted lips. Kanda was gorgeous, there was absolutely no doubt about it… and seeing him waking made Allen's heart fly. Kanda sighed and pressed a little closer, relaxing into the kiss, and Allen had to exert iron willpower over his rebellious body in order to draw away.

"Come on," he said with a smile. "We have to get going, don't we?"

It took a moment, but Kanda pushed himself up and stretched again, then twisted to the side. His back popped, and Allen grimaced in sympathy – but before he could offer a back rub, Kanda had climbed over him and was getting dressed and gathering his things. Allen smiled wryly, then got up and began doing the same.

As he fastened the buttons of his coat and smoothed gloved hands down it, he took a moment to remember when the last time he'd worn it had been. He must have looked upset, because after a moment, he felt Kanda's gaze on him. "Ah, it's nothing!" Allen smiled brightly. "I was just thinking."

"Tch. Think faster and let's go," Kanda said curtly, shouldering his bag and heading for the door.

Allen just smiled and picked up his own bag, following along without a word. This was very familiar… in fact, walking behind Kanda like this, he suddenly felt as though he were back on his first few missions. He might have even been able to believe it if it weren't for Kanda's sweeping cloak, his short jacket and black trousers, all emblazoned with gold. Just like his own, when he thought about it, though Allen had stuck with the long coat as opposed to a cloak.

There was, however, something missing… something that Allen realized he missed sorely. Timcanpy had been sealed away with the Ark, hiding the Fourteenth's score for all time. As they headed down the road, Allen hung his head a bit. He hadn't been without Timcanpy on a mission since… well, since inever./i They'd been parted while Allen was in the Asian branch, but not since then… not until the very end when Allen had said goodbye.

He didn't even notice that Kanda had dropped back to walk next to him until he felt the swordsman's hand brush against his own. He looked up, surprised, and Kanda made a little noise of disapproval and moved away a bit. Allen smiled faintly and turned his eyes back to the road ahead of them. It was better to think of him anyway, really… to think of the fact that what he'd been wishing for all through the war had come true.

One thought came to him, though, sobering his happiness a bit. At some point or another, Kanda would discover that Allen had iexperience./i Everyone assumed it anyway, given his upbringing with Cross, but it wasn't because of that – Allen had been lovers with Lavi, for a time, though it had ended when they both came to a mutual understanding – Lavi had his duty, and Allen… well, Allen wanted Kanda. They remained friendly, though, and Lavi still wrote him the occasional letter – he had no idea how the young Bookman had discovered his location, but he would find one sometimes when he went into town. At any rate, they'd kept their relations as secret as they could, but… well, Kanda would find out sooner or later.

Allen just hoped that the swordsman wouldn't hate him for life when he did find out, because it was absolutely certain that Kanda had never had anyone himself.

They walked for hours, pausing to eat a quick lunch before setting off again, heading east. Allen wasn't even entirely sure where they were anymore – but Kanda seemed to know where he was going, and Allen wasn't going to complain. He'd chosen to come along, and he was content to let Kanda call the shots. He did wonder, though, if Kanda planned on walking the entire way… or if they'd eventually get a train. He kept his thoughts to himself, though, which eventually seemed to attract Kanda's attention – and ire.

"Why the hell are you so quiet?" the older Exorcist snarled, glancing at him. "You're usually yapping my ear off."

Allen jumped, startled out of his thoughts by Kanda's voice. "I thought you'd like to be left alone," he said with a smile, but Kanda's glare killed it.

"You never cared before," he said darkly. "What is it now?"

"Nothing!" Allen protested, lifting his hands in a gesture of peace. "Nothing, Kanda, I'm just thinking… that's all." He tried another smile, and this time it was met with the customary 'tch' sound and rolled eyes. He sighed a little and turned his gaze back to the road. "I suppose I thought if you wanted to talk, you would," he said quietly.

Kanda snorted. "Like I said, you never cared before."

Allen smiled sadly. "Maybe I grew up some, hmm?"

The silence was pressing. Allen grew more and more uneasy as they walked, and Kanda's icy silence was very difficult to break past. It wasn't that Allen didn't want to talk to him – he did, as it happened – he just didn't know what to say. A lot had been said in the past couple of weeks, maybe more than Allen was really expecting, and now… well, what was left? It was a little awkward. He looked at Kanda again, then reached out and took his hand with a gentle smile. Kanda looked at him, startled, then down at their hands – and instead of jerking his hand away, he just huffed a bit and allowed it.

Allen felt as though he were warming from the inside out, and he smiled to himself as they walked along. The silence was more comfortable, and when the sun set and the stars came out, Allen was actually enjoying himself.

The next town they came to seemed like a cheerful little village at first glance. They came upon it from a hilltop, and Allen admired the way it was nestled in the valley as they headed down the road. He also admired the fact that, though he could barely see it through the darkness – there appeared to be a train station. He grinned to himself as they walked along, though it was a bit rueful.

_Maybe you're getting soft after all, Walker._

"We'll catch the train here," Kanda said, curt and to the point as always. "After that, we'll take a boat to Japan."

Allen nodded slowly. It had been years since he'd last journeyed to Japan, and that trip hadn't gone well at _all._ For the first time since the end of the war, he truly regretted sealing the Ark… it would have been so convenient to just open a door and _be_ there. He sighed and rubbed the back of his head, then looked up in absolute shock when a familiar rush swept through him.

_Akuma!_

His curse activated seconds later, and he scanned the hillside for the tell-tale wisp that would confirm the presence of the Akuma. Next to him, he heard the familiar whisper of metal on metal, a distinct song that could only be one thing – and out of the corner of his eye, he saw the familiar blade turning silver as Kanda ran his fingers along it. "Over there," Allen said quickly, pointing to the left. He let his breath out and then sucked it in as he activated his own Innocence, and Crown Clown's song of power became a roar in his blood as he ran towards the Akuma.

It was a single-minded intent that drove him when Allen used his Innocence – the Innocence designed to save, to protect. His eye pushed him to fight, found the souls for him and drove him relentlessly forward – and Crown Clown sang to him like the wind howling in his ears, giving him wings and setting his soul aflame.

_This_ was what it was to be an Exorcist.

He was aware of Kanda at his right, his black clothing rendering him nearly invisible in the night lit only by stars as he raced forward, Mugen held low at his right side. The blade stayed down as Kanda leapt into the air, then swung upward in an arc to the left as he swung at the hapless level one that was just starting to set its guns on them. The Akuma disintegrated into a shower of sparks and smoke and flames, and Kanda was running to the next one with the grim determination he always showed.

The rush of battle was pounding in Allen's veins as one after another fell to his claws, though despite it all he still remembered to whisper a prayer for each one. _Lord_, he thought as yet another level one exploded, _please take these souls and lay them to rest._ The other Exorcists, his friends, had merely smiled at this practice – except for Kanda, who'd railed at him for being too soft.

_"They're not people," Kanda snapped, long hair mussed and coat torn down the right side. "They're not anything recognizable anymore. It's our job to destroy them so that they don't kill more people, not so that they can be fucking saved."_

Allen had just smiled and shrugged, and Kanda had cursed under his breath, and life had gone on.

When the battle ended and Allen crouched on the hillside, cloak shining softly and claws reflecting the light, he finally looked around. The Akuma had been there randomly, it seemed – wandering with no master, no purpose. Kanda sheathed Mugen with a snap that brought Allen back to himself, and he let his breath out as he released his hold on his invocation. Crown Clown vanished, and he was once again Allen Walker as he stood up and smiled.

Everything would have been fine had he not wavered a bit, and Kanda caught him as he stumbled. "Ah," he said quickly, laughing it off, "it's nothing! Sorry. I must be out of shape!"

"Tch," Kanda grumbled, though he kept his arm around Allen's waist longer than was strictly necessary. "It figures that you didn't have the discipline to keep training after the war."

He had, though, and Kanda knew it. The words were banter, familiar and soothing, to hide something else - _fear._ Allen's life was being burned away by his parasitic Innocence, just as surely as Kanda's was by the curse that had gotten him through the war alive. Allen kept smiling, and Kanda rolled his eyes and set off towards the village.

Everything would remain the same so long as they allowed it to, and Allen saw no reason for things to change.

The village was, thankfully, untouched. The two Exorcists had made it there in the nick of time, and the residents were none the wiser. Kanda led the way to the train station and Allen followed along, trying to hide the fact that his breath was coming in quick, shallow pants. _Maybe I am out of shape,_ he thought dryly to himself as he waited for Kanda to return with the tickets.

When Kanda walked back to him, the look on his face told Allen that the news wasn't anything close to good. "The tracks through the mountains are impassable," he said curtly, jaw tense and eyes cold. "The tunnel collapsed yesterday."

"Akuma," Allen breathed, closing his eyes. "What do we do?"

"We walk," Kanda replied coldly, turning his back and heading for the tracks. Allen followed along, knowing exactly why Kanda was angry – and finding himself unable to come up with a reason for him not to be. He knew that Kanda was berating himself for returning, for staying – because if he hadn't, he would have beaten the attack and likely been almost to Japan by now.

It had to have been past midnight by the time the two were about three miles down the tracks, and Allen hadn't managed to catch his breath. His heart was beating hard and fast, and he was starting to become seriously alarmed. "Kanda," he finally said, and something in his voice made Kanda stop in his tracks and whip around to look at him.

"We'll stop for the night," he said briskly, heading off of the tracks and into the field next to them. There was a small grove of trees before the meadow trailed off into the forest, and it would be a perfect place to set up camp and be hidden from any passers-by – not that there would be any. There was no road, and the tracks were closed.

Allen went about helping Kanda set up the tent until the swordsman ordered him to build a fire and sit the fuck down. He couldn't help but smile wryly as he obeyed, thankful but saying nothing. _Kanda is worried,_ he thought as he watched the small flame slowly grow into a warm, crackling fire. _I'm worried too… what's wrong with me? It can't be my Innocence… can it?_

A little while later, Kanda joined him by the fire. "Go to bed," he said, his voice betraying no emotion whatsoever. "I'll keep watch."

"I will too," Allen protested. "I'm fine, Kanda! I can keep first watch."

Kanda snorted. "No, you can't, and you damn well know it as well as I do. Go sleep for awhile."

Allen hesitated. He knew Kanda hated signs of weakness, and he would have gladly pushed himself even further to avoid that exact situation, but one glance from those dark eyes sent him into the tent feeling like the fifteen-year-old who'd nearly been cut open on the very first day he'd arrived at the Order. He took his coat and boots off and slipped into the bedroll, curling up on his right side and staring into the darkness. His heartbeat had slowed some, but he could still feel it clearly, and it bothered him – that hadn't happened to him before.

Then again, it had been a long time since he'd evoked his Innocence with the intent to destroy Akuma. Even while dormant, could it have been wearing away at him? The thought made his stomach clench, and Allen curled into a ball. I_ don't want to die,_ he thought desperately. _Not now… not when Kanda…! Please, just give me a little time to be with him!_

Allen eventually fell into a restless slumber, and he woke with a start when he felt a hand on his shoulder. He sat bolt upright and looked at Kanda wide-eyed, but Kanda was calm – nothing was wrong.

"It's your turn to watch," he said, turning away and shrugging out of his cloak and jacket.

"Ah," Allen replied with a sleepy smile. He felt better after a few hours of rest, anyway, and the fact that Kanda had woken him to do his share – it wasn't that he hadn't been expecting it, but it made him feel warm inside.

_Kanda still believes I can do my job._

Allen slipped into his coat and hesitated as Kanda took his place in the bedroll. He knelt next to him, and the swordsman looked up in surprise as Allen bent to kiss him softly. "Sleep well," he whispered, then stood and left the tent without looking back. It was too much a temptation to slip back into the still-warm blankets and curl up with the other Exorcist, and that, he knew, was not possible. Kanda wouldn't sleep if he wasn't sure he was safe, and Allen wanted him to rest.

The night air was cold, heralding the coming of winter, and Allen shivered a little despite the fire. He pulled his arms close to his body and sat still, looking up at the sky and watching idly as his breath formed small clouds in the air. _Winter is coming,_ he thought absently. _Soon, this place will be buried in snow… ah, winter in my cabin was always so nice… I wonder if Kanda would like it there?_

A small smile curved his lips as he let himself daydream. It would be cold outside, but the cabin was always cozy – and even so, Kanda would grumble about the cold and Allen would put more blankets on the bed - _their_ bed – and the two would sleep in each other's arms and wake to train in the crisp air of the morning.

He was running through the morning in his mind when a sharp ache in his chest tore his thoughts away. He gasped faintly and pressed his right hand to his heart, gritting his teeth and squeezing his eyes closed. _All this, for using Crown Clown once?_ He forced his eyes open again and stared at the fire, forcing his breath to slow down and steady. _Master… God, I wish you were here!_

The rest of the night was bearable, though barely, and Allen was immensely thankful for the sunlight. He wished beyond anything else that he had Timcanpy – not only for the golem's company, but so he could contact Komui. The branch head would know what to do, would know what was happening, maybe could even stop it – but there was no way to reach him. Allen had no idea where he was, or even if he was still alive… and the thought brought tears to his eyes.

Once he was certain he'd gotten his emotions under control, Allen went back into the tent to wake Kanda. The swordsman grumbled a bit, but got up quickly and dressed. Breakfast was good – the tea Kanda gave him soothed the ache in his chest and warmed his blood. After that, Allen put the fire out and went about gathering everything up as Kanda tore the tent down, and the two set off on their way again.

_It won't be long before I have to stop again,_ Allen thought grimly, already feeling a bit short of breath as they walked quietly down the tracks. _I won't be a burden to him! I won't say anything about it at all… I'll just keep going. I have to keep moving forward, no matter what. I promised Mana I would keep walking so long as I have breath in my body, and I will. I will, no matter what the cost._

_Even if the cost is my life, I will keep walking._

--

**A/N: **I apologize for this chapter taking so long to be finished, but here it is! For those of you who've reviewed so far, thank you very much - I'm glad you're enjoying it. To those who haven't reviewed and have still read - thanks to you as well for taking the time to read the story! As always, thanks to my beta-reader, Folded, and standard disclaimers apply. With any luck, the next chapter won't take me so long to write!


	6. Chapter 6

Allen wanted to say he was fine and actually mean it, but unfortunately that was far beyond him. The sun had risen high into the sky, which gave the air some warmth… but Allen was alternating between sweating and shaking with cold as they walked on. He said nothing, keeping his head high and his lips drawn into a tight line – he _wasn't_ going to allow himself to become a burden to Kanda. He _was_ going to keep the promises he made and he _was_ going to keep going.

As strong as his resolve and his mind were, however, his body was rapidly weakening. They still had five or so miles to go before they reached the collapsed tunnel, and then who knew what they'd have to do to get around it – or how far the next town was. Allen took one step, another, and one more – then collapsed to the ground.

The next thing he knew, he was being cradled against something warm and solid. He heard a voice yelling his name, but his mind was so foggy that he couldn't make out the rest of the words. He forced his eyes open, but they slid closed immediately after. He let his breath out in a slow sigh, frustrated but too damn tired to do anything about it. He felt himself shift, felt strong arms tighten around him, and he woke just a bit more if only out of curiosity. He could still hear that voice talking to him, but now he could also hear the sound of a heartbeat – strong and fast – not his own, but… whose?

He was too tired. The world blurred again as his eyes started to slip closed.

_No,_ came a small voice at the back of his head. _No! Open your eyes, Walker! If you sleep now you're never going to wake up!_

_I'm tired,_ he replied blearily. _I want to rest. Just for a minute…_

_No!_ The voice sounded more irritated now, and it was stronger. _No resting! Open your eyes, or do you never want to see Kanda again?!_

Allen remained still and quiet for a few seconds, then forced his eyes open again. "Kanda?" he whispered, the name drawing on what little strength he had left.

Kanda swore in Japanese and put Allen on his back on the ground. Allen grumbled tiredly at the loss of warmth, but then his eyes widened when Kanda's head came to rest over his heart. "Idiot!" Kanda yelled, pulling back and glaring down at him. His dark eyes were bright with what, had it been anyone else, could have been tears. "You fucking idiot! When were you going to tell me you felt so sick?!"

Allen smiled faintly and drew a slow breath. He was starting to feel stronger again, and when he went to sit up, Kanda held him down with a firm hand on his shoulder. "No," he said curtly. "You're going to rest for a little while."

"There's no time," Allen replied, once again trying to sit up. The episode had passed, whatever it was, and Allen felt strong enough to move on. "We need to go, Kanda!"

"No, we don't," Kanda replied with a snort. "It's my journey and I'll decide when the hell we need to go. For now, _you_ need to rest."

Allen paused, then sighed and let himself relax. "I'm sorry," he murmured. "I don't want to burden you or hold you back, and I –"

"Shut up," Kanda muttered. He glanced away, expression unreadable, then looked back. His eyes were warm and gentle, even if the rest of him looked annoyed. "I want you well enough to travel with me. I'm not going to fucking bury you out here in the Goddamn middle of _nowhere_."

Allen's eyes widened in shock, then fell closed in shame. "I'm sorry," he finally whispered. He'd been so determined to keep going and not to be a bother that he hadn't even though about what might have happened had his body given out entirely due to his mind's stubbornness. Kanda _would_ have had to bury him out here, and that… he wasn't sure he'd be able to forgive himself for nearly causing that to happen.

"Idiot," the swordsman said again, but his voice was soft and held no malice. He looked down at Allen and hesitated, then lifted a hand to lightly touch his face. Allen's cheek tingled where the fingertips brushed his skin, and he tilted his head slightly into the touch. "When you said you wanted to go with me, I didn't think you meant for two fucking days until you collapsed."

"I didn't mean that," Allen murmured. He sat up slowly, and when he felt no ill effects of it, he wrapped his arms around Kanda and held tight. Kanda stiffened, then relaxed against him, shifting so he was half sitting and half leaning on him. "I'm sorry, Kanda. I'm sorry."

Kanda said nothing, turning his head against Allen's chest and letting his breath out slowly. "Your heartbeat sounds stronger," he finally said. "Now, are you going to quit hiding things from me, _moyashi?_"

"It's Allen," the younger Exorcist complained, but he smiled fondly and closed his eyes. "I'd… like to rest a little bit, if you don't mind."

The two ended up curled up together on the soft grass, Allen on his back and looking up at the endless blue sky with Kanda draped partially over him, his head still pillowed on the younger Exorcist's chest. Allen knew what this closeness must have been costing Kanda, given that he'd kept himself away from such things for as long as Allen had known him – and probably longer still. He kept his embrace loose so that the swordsman could escape if he felt like it, but for now, all was peaceful and still.

"I don't have much time left," Kanda said suddenly, startling Allen out of a half daze. His voice was quiet, and Allen couldn't see his face. That was probably the only reason he was speaking as he was. "I'm… cursed."

Allen frowned slightly, then his eyes widened. "The tattoo," he breathed. "Is that it?"

Kanda lay still for a moment longer, then pushed himself away and went to his bag. Allen sat up and watched, curious, then stared in shock when Kanda drew out the lotus trapped in the hourglass. Allen had seen it before, briefly, when he'd had occasion to be in Kanda's room – but the swordsman had never breathed a word about it to anyone, so far as he knew, not even Lavi and Bookman. "This," he said, looking at the flower with an unreadable expression. "And this." He placed his right hand over his heart – over the tattoo.

"I don't understand," Allen finally said, confused. His eyes were drawn to the petals in the bottom of the glass – not wilted, but obviously lost.

The swordsman remained silent for a little while. "You know about my healing ability." When Allen nodded hesitantly – he knew some, but not all – Kanda went on. "My life is tied to this lotus. When the final petal falls, my life will end."

It felt like he'd been punched in the stomach. Allen stared, wide-eyed, at the solemn-eyed Exorcist holding the hourglass, then stared at the lotus. "How long?" he finally managed.

"However long it takes these five to join the eight in the bottom," Kanda replied, finally tearing his gaze away from the hourglass to look at Allen. "It could be tomorrow if we encounter a level four or higher."

"Kanda!" Allen's voice was a half-wail. "Why didn't you say something?!"

"Why didn't you?" Kanda countered, eyes narrowing. "You didn't want to seem like a burden, and I didn't feel the need to listen to your whining and deal with your overprotective tendencies."

It was Allen's turn to glower. "I'm not overprotective!"

Kanda snorted slightly and looked at the hourglass again, then tucked it carefully into his bag. "Either way, we're both on borrowed time," he said, his words clipped and precise. "From now on, you'd damn well better tell me if you're feeling sick!"

"Now who's being overprotective?" Despite the retort – which was more or less second nature – Allen felt warm inside. _He does worry about me,_ he thought with a bit of sorrow. _I don't want him to worry._

"I'm helping you stay alive because you're too stupid to do it on your own," Kanda replied with a slight growl. "Don't try your luck."

"Kanda," Allen said softly. When the swordsman turned back to look at him, Allen moved forward quickly on his hands and knees and leaned up, placing a soft kiss on his jaw. He heard Kanda's breath hitch, and his lips curved into a smile. "Thank you," he murmured, shifting to nuzzle his neck with his nose.

Kanda growled softly. "Quit that," he muttered, but he didn't try to get away. "And don't thank me. You're worthless to me if you're dead."

Those words should have hurt, but they just made Allen's smile wider. He scooted closer so he didn't have to stretch so much and draped his arms around Kanda's shoulders, moving to nudge the swordsman's nose with his own. "You're saying you want me around?"

"I never said that," Kanda snapped back. He remained tense in Allen's arms for a moment, then finally began to relax when one of the younger Exorcist's hands began rubbing small circles between his shoulder blades.

After another long moment, Allen sighed and regretfully withdrew. "Let's move on," he said, standing up and stretching. He smiled and picked up his bag, slinging it over his shoulder. "We can make the tunnel by nightfall, don't you think?"

"If we're lucky." Kanda stood quickly and hefted his bag as well, then set off down the tracks without waiting. Allen just smiled quietly and followed along, knowing that Kanda was Kanda and that was one big reason Allen loved him.

As Allen had predicted, the sun was setting by the time they reached the collapsed tunnel. Kanda swore fluently as they approached, but finally had to relent – there was no way they were going to be able to move the boulders out of the way. The tunnel would take weeks if not months to repair, and with winter coming… it probably wouldn't be done.

Allen sighed and raked a hand through his hair, then looked at the steep incline ahead of them. "We should rest here for tonight, then move on when there's enough light that we won't break our necks on the hillside."

Kanda nodded grudgingly and the two headed a mile or so away from the tracks, into the forest. There was a small clearing at the base of the mountain, and that was where they began setting up the camp. Once again, dinner was quiet, and Allen volunteered the first watch. Kanda nodded slightly and turned to go into the tent, then glanced over his shoulder at Allen.

"I've never told anyone else, Walker," he said, his tone unreadable. "About the lotus, and my past."

Allen looked up at him curiously. "You… haven't?"

Kanda shook his head sharply and looked away, but didn't go into the tent. "The person we're seeking is my uncle," he finally said. Allen stared at the straight line of his spine, the hard set of his shoulders. "He was a broker. When my mother fell ill, he was always around – and when she died, he and my father went into the study and shut the door."

Allen felt himself growing cold as he listened to Kanda's story. He knew how it was going to end, there was no way he couldn't know – but that didn't make it any less horrifying to hear.

"The entire village was destroyed," Kanda continued, his voice sharp to hide the tremble that Allen heard anyway. "It went up in flames. I somehow managed to get out of the house, but I had been fatally wounded. … I don't know what happened after that. I woke with the tattoo and the hourglass in the ashes, and a vow that burned in my memory. No matter what the fucking cost, even if it's my own life, I will have vengeance."

There was silence for a little while, aside from the crackling of the fire and the whisper of the wind in the trees. Allen looked down at the ground, then looked back up at Kanda. He, too, had kept a tight guard when it came to his past – and even more so after the revelation of the Fourteenth and what Mana had done. He opened his mouth, then closed it again – what was he going to say that would make Kanda feel better?

When Allen looked up at Kanda again, the swordsman's shoulders had slumped and his head was bowed. His heart twisted painfully, and he was on his feet with his arms around the other before he realized what was happening. "Kanda… Kanda, I…"

"I don't need your sympathy," Kanda snapped, straightening suddenly but not looking back. "You needed to know because I've allowed you to accompany me. Don't pull your soft-hearted bullshit on me now."

Allen stared up at him, stung. He felt very much like the fifteen year old who'd first faced Kanda and offered him his hand, and was slapped away with cruel words. "I…"

Kanda moved forward and pulled the flap of the tent open. "Wake me in four hours," he said, his tone frozen. He disappeared inside, then, and Allen was left alone by the fire.

Part of Allen was angry – no, _furious_ – at Kanda's treatment of him, but the rest was mostly just hurt. He knew he had his own secrets, and he would tell them eventually, but… why was it so bad to _pity_ someone who 'd been through something so horrible at such a young age? Kanda had been even younger than Allen when he came to the Order, or so Lavi had said, and with all of that revealed, Allen couldn't help but think it was no wonder that Kanda had un-scalable walls built around himself.

_He's suffering,_ Allen thought glumly, putting his chin in his hands. _Even he can hurt, though he'd never admit it, the bloody stubborn bastard. This trip is going to be hard on him, and he's walling up now to avoid the pain later._

Just as the night before, the fire gave no answer – and Allen sat with his hand on his chest, feeling the rhythmic beat of his heart, and wondering what he was going to do. He wanted to help, more than anything, because it was in his nature… and because he'd fallen in love with those soulful dark eyes when he'd found Kanda on the roof after Tiedoll's funeral. It was then that Allen had realized that there was far more to the swordsman than he'd given him credit for, and he'd felt horribly guilty about it. Kanda hadn't been crying, but he'd been mourning in his own way, and Allen had reached out – and had been pushed away.

_This time, Kanda, won't you take my hand?_ He smiled wistfully at the fire and closed his eyes. _I won't give up on you. You might think it's soft-hearted and foolish, but I think it's because I love you, and I'll be there to catch you if you fall._

As promised, Allen woke Kanda four hours later. As he slipped into the bedroll, murmuring softly at the warmth and the soft weight of the blankets, Kanda glanced over his shoulder. He didn't say anything, but he didn't have to – Allen heard him loud and clear.

_No matter what happens, I will not break. I cannot allow it. I will not allow anything that might become a weakness._

Allen just smiled faintly in return and closed his eyes, feeling himself already starting to drift off. He knew that Kanda might never say more than he had, and he knew that he might always be cold, but he didn't mind. He was used to it. He just hoped, and breathed a prayer, that they'd both make it through. _We deserve at least a few months of rest,_ he thought blearily as he started to fall asleep. _We deserve that much…_

--

**A/N:** Well, the story is moving along! Next chapter there will be more action, as I think I've got the characters developed pretty well to this point. I hope you all like the background I've given Kanda - it's simple, and I think it still leaves an aura of mystery around how exactly he managed to get the tattoo and the lotus. You guys will find out about that when Kanda does! Thanks go out to my beta-reader, Folded, and to all of you who're reading! As always, standard disclaimers do apply to this chapter as well. If you have an idea or something you'd like to see added in or elaborated, feel free to let me know - I know the scene after Tiedoll's funeral was requested and I do plan on elaborating on that later on. Thanks again to all of you!!


	7. Chapter 7

The next day passed without any remarkable events. Allen decided that he would be glad if he never again saw a mountain, much less had to _scale_ one, and Kanda… well, Kanda was Kanda. Allen knew that much, even though it hurt at times, and while he wanted to reach out – he knew it was best to just let things go for the time being. The swordsman hadn't said another word about his past or their conversation, and Allen wasn't inclined to get into a fight with him over it, so he kept his mouth shut and his worries to himself.

Once again sitting by the fire, Allen tried hard not to lose himself into depression. _Things will get better,_ he told himself firmly. _Kanda doesn't open up to people. It's cost him a lot to just open up as much as he has. I'll just have to be patient and hope he decides I'm worth confiding in again._ The fire crackled merrily, and though it was a bit colder than before, Allen felt better than he had in days. Maybe it was the chilly air or the altitude, but either way, he found himself breathing easier.

He got up and stretched stiff muscles, then put his gloved hands in his pockets and began walking a slow circuit through the trees near their campsite. It was good to keep the blood flowing, after all, and Allen had never done well with sitting still. When he saw nothing, he returned to his spot by the fire, and he was almost ready to get out his journal and start writing when a twig snapping nearby made his head jerk up.

_Akuma?_ He wondered, remaining absolutely still. _No… I don't sense anything._

Though far away from most civilization, the idea of brigands wasn't entirely foreign, and Allen glanced at the tent before making up his mind. Another snap, closer this time, and Allen lifted his right hand to his lips and let out an ear-splitting whistle.

Kanda was outside in seconds, not even bothering with his coat, barefoot and mussed and looking absolutely murderous as he gripped Mugen and held it in front of him. Allen stood next to him, ready for whatever was coming – and another twig snapped, this time to the right, and Kanda dove into the trees. There was a brief struggle, a yelp, and then Kanda came back into the light dragging a child by the collar.

"Don' hurt me!" the child begged, struggling to get away and staring at Mugen. "Please!"

"Let him go," Allen said quickly, hurrying forward. The child couldn't have been more than seven years old, and he looked absolutely terrified.

Kanda glared at Allen, then at the child, refusing to relinquish his grip. "Who sent you?" he demanded. "There's no fucking way you've been traveling out here on your own, so don't even bother lying."

"Nobody!" the child wailed, trying again to get away.

"Kanda," Allen said, his voice sharp. "Let him _go._"

Kanda stared at Allen for a moment, then made a displeased noise and shoved the boy away. Allen hurried over and knelt next to him, and was about to open his mouth and speak when another voice split the silence. "Still as friendly as ever, aren't you, Yuu-chan?"

Allen's heart leapt as Kanda whirled and stared in shock at the source of the voice, and he slowly stood up. "La… Lavi?" he whispered.

Lavi walked into the clearing and flashed Allen a smile. "It's Bookman now," he said. "It's good to see you again, Allen." He gestured, and the boy scurried to his side. "I see you've met my apprentice. Peter, do you recognize the coat the young man with white hair is wearing?"

"He's an Exorcist," the child said, now calm and collected with Lavi by his side.

"Good." Lavi mussed his hair, then looked at Kanda and Allen again. "It's been a long time."

"Your voice has changed," Kanda said, dark eyes narrowing in suspicion. "What the hell is this?"

Allen knew exactly what it was, and he smiled sadly. He and Lavi had had this discussion years ago, when they lay together after the first night. He knew this day would come, though he hadn't really expected to see the redhead again. Lavi looked at him and nodded slightly, then looked back at Kanda.

"I'm Bookman now," he said, parroting his words from earlier. "Things have changed. I'm no longer part of the Order – and I'm no longer 'Lavi'. That name was merely an alias, another in a long list, and now that the war is over I no longer have use for it."

"Tch." Kanda sheathed Mugen with a snap and turned away. "No fucking surprise there. You and Bookman disappeared pretty damn quickly after the war ended."

"Of course," Lavi – Bookman – replied with a shrug. "What else were we going to do?"

Allen's gaze dropped to Bookman's thigh, where he'd always kept his hammer. Kanda still wielded Mugen, and… "You still have your Innocence," he blurted, looking up in surprise.

Bookman looked at him and gave him a soft smile. "Yes," he agreed. "With all the Akuma still running about, I needed some way to destroy them. I couldn't allow myself or Peter to be harmed or killed."

The change was night and day, and Allen just nodded mutely and looked at Kanda, who was staring moodily at the fire. This wasn't the man he'd befriended, became close to, and eventually allowed into his bed. He looked the same, and the tone of his voice was the same, but everything else was gone entirely. He hadn't expected it to hurt as much as it did, but as always, Allen hid behind a smile and friendly words.

"Do you want to rest for a little while?" he asked. "I can make tea, and –"

"You can go to bed," Kanda said sharply. "You need to rest and you've been awake longer than necessary."

"I'm fine," Allen protested. "It's cold, and that child should be in bed. Let him rest, and I'll stay awake."

Kanda glared darkly at him, then looked away and shrugged curtly. "As you like."

Bookman and his apprentice disappeared into the tent, and after a few moments, the redhead returned and sat down across the fire from Allen and Kanda. "I appreciate your hospitality," he said, his voice polite and formal. "I hadn't intended on being out this long, but unfortunately we are in a hurry."

Allen smiled weakly at him, then looked at Kanda. The older Exorcist was obviously angry – at him, at Bookman, at the world – but when Allen shivered a little and looked at the fire again, Kanda put an arm around him and pulled him close. He looked up in surprise and found that Kanda wasn't looking at him – in fact, he was looking at Bookman with a dark expression. Allen followed his gaze, and saw the redhead simply looking back at them, unreadable and unruffled.

_Awkward isn't the word to describe this,_ Allen thought uneasily. _Is there something I missed somewhere?_

"So," Bookman said, breaking the silence. "The two of you are traveling together?"

"What does it look like?" Kanda snapped back. "It's none of your damn business, so don't even think you're going to put us in your fucking records."

Bookman sighed and smiled wryly. "I don't think you'll ever change," he mused. "Still so bitter and angry at everything. What's the reason, Yuu? You've got Allen with you now, and yet you're still unhappy."

Kanda grit his teeth. "None of your business," he repeated, the words absolutely venomous. "I told you a long damn time ago that what the old man knew about me was all you'd ever find out, and I meant every word I said."

"You told Allen," Bookman pointed out, and Allen paled a bit. How could he possibly have known?! Bookman watched his face, then smiled faintly. "So you have. It was a guess, but apparently a good one."

"That's not fair," Allen began, but Kanda cut him off with a tone he'd never heard from him before. He was used to Kanda being angry, but this… this was something _else._

"Don't push me," he said, his voice low and holding a note of dire warning. "What I've told Allen is nothing you will ever hear."

Bookman shrugged slightly. "I'm not going to leave the record incomplete," he said calmly. "I promised the old panda that I'd see it finished. I suppose Peter and I can take a detour and follow you."

Kanda's muscles tensed, and Allen quickly tightened his grip to keep him from leaping up and drawing his sword. "No," he snarled. "You're not coming with us. This journey is none –"

"- of my concern, yes, yes," Bookman replied, waving a hand in the air as though it didn't matter at all. "I heard you the first ten times, Yuu. Unfortunately, you can't stop me from traveling in any given direction. I won't interfere – all I'm interested in are the records."

Kanda growled softly, but said nothing in reply. Allen frowned, worried, and looked from Kanda to Bookman. _He has changed,_ he thought glumly. _He's not Lavi anymore. I knew this would happen, and yet it's still a shock to see him like this. Kanda… no wonder he's so angry! He probably didn't know, and now Lavi isn't Lavi… he feels betrayed._

The silence refused to break, and the warmth from the fire and Kanda's body were making him drowsy. It wasn't long at all before he couldn't keep his eyes open, and with a soft sigh, he rested his head against Kanda's shoulder and fell into a doze. It wasn't long before he heard Kanda and Bookman talking – the low vibration of Kanda's voice, dark and dangerous, and the slightly higher response of Bookman. It reminded him of the times the three were on missions together, but things would never be that way again. He nestled closer to Kanda, who held him tighter, and the two fell silent.

"You finally decided he was worth your time," Bookman finally said, though his tone held nothing beyond idle curiosity. "Interesting. What changed your mind?"

"You already know what my answer is going to be," Kanda muttered. "Shut up. Don't wake him."

Bookman chuckled softly. "I'm not going to wake him. Allen sleeps like the dead."

Kanda was silent for a moment. "He needs to rest," he finally said, stubborn to the last.

"His Innocence is killing him," Bookman replied, and Allen couldn't help the shiver that went up his spine at the words. "It's sooner than I'd thought. What a shame."

"As if you care." Kanda's voice was glacial. "Allen is fine. He doesn't need help from you or anybody else."

Bookman chuckled quietly. "But he needs it from you, right? The cold, frozen samurai who never had a word for him unless it was a cruel one? I find that interesting."

Allen felt Kanda tense. "And what if he does?" he shot back. "Would you have been the one instead?"

"I'm Bookman now," the redhead reminded him. "Even if I wanted to, I couldn't serve that purpose. I'm merely asking you if you're going to be the one who does."

Kanda said nothing, but he tightened his grip on Allen. It wasn't a gesture Bookman could see, so there was no returning comment on it, but Allen suddenly felt warm inside. When his eyes fell closed again, he drifted into the beginnings of real sleep – and when he felt himself shifted so he was laying on the soft grass in front of the fire, with a warm body behind him, he fell asleep immediately.

The next morning, Allen was greeted by a mouth-watering aroma. He opened his eyes slowly and looked at the fire, then pushed himself up when he realized Kanda and Bookman were already up. Kanda was nowhere to be seen, but Bookman was making breakfast, chatting in a language Allen couldn't understand with his apprentice.

"Good morning," Bookman said, switching back to English with a nod to Allen. "We have plenty of rations, so Kanda suggested we combine them for breakfast."

Allen didn't have to ask why Kanda had made such a suggestion, and he smiled faintly. "You don't have to use your own food for me," he said softly. "I'll be all right."

Bookman gazed at him, then glanced at Peter. "Fetch me some sage, will you?" he asked, and the boy scampered off into the trees. He returned his attention to Allen and softened ever so slightly. "I don't mind helping you, Allen."

Realizing he had Kanda's cloak draped over him, Allen pulled it around his shoulders for extra warmth and looked at the pans over the fire. "Well, thank you," he finally said, looking up with a brighter smile than before. "How have you been? I've gotten all of your letters."

"Well enough," Bookman replied. He flipped a couple of eggs over, then returned his attention to Allen. "You're looking paler than I remember."

Allen remembered his words from the night before – _his Innocence is killing him _– and laughed a bit awkwardly. "Am I? It's probably because it's so cold at night!"

Bookman gazed at him evenly. "As you say," he finally agreed, going back to the food. "I'm surprised to see you traveling."

"Why?" Allen blinked. "I traveled after the war."

"You traveled until you found the village you settled near," Bookman replied, his voice void of any sort of emotion. "It's a wonder that Yuu managed to find you there. He was looking for you."

Allen stared, dumbfounded. "He was?" he finally asked. "Why would he look for me? He's on his own journey."

Bookman smiled faintly. "If you don't yet know, you will. He needs you on this little jaunt of his."

That made no sense, and Allen was about to say so when Kanda returned to the clearing. The swordsman didn't seem to have overheard, and if he did, he said nothing about it. Allen looked at him, now more curious than ever, but he knew asking would do no good – and he wouldn't with Bookman around anyway. _What kind of game is he playing?_ Allen wondered silently, turning his gaze back to the fire. _All the things he said to Kanda last night, and now this…_

It would bear asking about, but later. Now, Allen simply smiled as Kanda sat next to him and smiled as Bookman gave him food to eat, and he smiled when Peter came over to ask him question after question. Smiling was what he did best, after all… perhaps because it made him appear more innocent. Either way, Allen would have his answers so long as he bided his time.

--

**A/N:** I have to apologize for the delay in getting this chapter posted. I didn't have access to the 'net for awhile, then I needed to rework a few things and run it past my beta and yeah, so it's a bit late. xD;;; I will be expanding more on Lavi and Allen's back story later on, because it is pretty important to their development, so if you're curious - rejoice! You'll find out. Thanks again to those who read and review, to those who read but don't review (because I myself am often guilty of that), and to my beta-reader as always. Standard disclaimers apply!


	8. Chapter 8

Biding his time, Allen discovered, was much more of a hassle than he'd thought. They'd reached the next town with no problem and hopped on the train for China, but Bookman and his apprentice had followed… though out of necessity, the four weren't stuffed into the same compartment. Allen and Kanda had a private one, as did Bookman and Peter. This suited Allen just fine; the icy silence between Kanda and Bookman was grating on his nerves.

The compartment the two were in was small, as he was accustomed to, but he didn't mind it. The familiar smell of the train, being seated on the bench across from Kanda, and the scenery flying by… it all reminded him of the past. He couldn't help but smile as he smoothed his gloved hand over the fabric of the cushion, his mind drifting back to the first mission he'd ever gone on with Kanda – to the ruined city of Martel.

Martel was thousands of miles away, though, and the past was gone and not to return. Now, Kanda sat struggling to stay awake, and Allen was feeling weary as well. Without thinking much about it, he shifted to Kanda's bench and put an arm around him. "Lean on me and rest," he murmured. "We have a long way to go yet, and you're tired."

Kanda shot him a dirty look and shied away. "I can rest without your help."

Allen stared at him, stunned, and finally decided it wasn't worth holding back any longer. "What is wrong with you?" he asked, glaring slightly. "You've been acting this way ever since you told me about –"

"Shut up." Kanda's voice was a low hiss. "It was a mistake to tell you."

He'd never felt more like he'd been slapped without actually having been, and Allen sucked in a deep breath before replying in as even a tone as possible. "Why?" The swordsman's eyes narrowed and he said nothing, but Allen hadn't spent so much time watching him for nothing. He saw the faint spark of emotion in Kanda's eyes, and he felt like he'd been hit again – this time in the back of the head. "You're _jealous?_"

"I'm not fucking jealous!" The words came with a punch aimed at Allen's jaw, but luckily the younger Exorcist had seen that coming from a mile away and caught his wrist with his left hand. "Bastard, let go –"

The rest of whatever he was going to say was muffled by Allen's mouth over his, and Allen was more than prepared when he started struggling. He kept the kiss soft and gentle but his grip on Kanda's wrist firm, and eventually – though it took a moment or two – Kanda calmed down and relaxed. Allen took that as a sign to deepen the kiss, and he was rewarded when the swordsman didn't bite him – and even brushed against his tongue with his own a bit. _Kanda, Kanda,_ Allen thought, drawing away just a bit to cup the older Exorcist's face with his right hand. _You're sweet… in a violent, unpredictable way. When you're not being a right bloody git, that is._

"It's all right," Allen murmured. "You don't have to be jealous…"

"I'm not," Kanda growled, but he stayed right where he was – leaning against Allen, tilting his head into the gentle touch against his cheek. "Why the hell would I be jealous? Don't be stupid, imoyashi./i"

"Allen," the General grumbled in return, "and it seems like you are. Why else would you go out of your way to be possessive when L… when Bookman is watching, and then cold to me when we're alone?"

Kanda remained stubbornly silent, and when Allen was about to gently prod him again, he spoke. "Whatever the hell happened in the past with you and Lavi is none of my business."

"Yet it upsets you," Allen murmured. When Kanda tensed slightly, he knew he had the right of it, and he sighed. "Would it help if I said it was years ago, and it only happened a few times?"

"I already said it's none of my business," the swordsman snapped. "If the two of you wanted to hole up and screw each other senseless, that's none of my concern. I didn't have time for that bullshit during the war – I've told you this already."

Allen closed his eyes. Kanda kept saying he didn't care, but every word that came out of his mouth practically screamed that he did. _Say what you mean,_ he thought, exasperated. _If you care, then bloody say so!_ "I don't want him," he finally said softly. "All right?"

"I wouldn't care if you did," Kanda shot back, but his tone was something less than frozen – and Allen heard it immediately. He sighed to himself and decided that this topic was one best dropped – after all, he'd said his part. The rest was up to Kanda to decide, as difficult as that was to consider. If Kanda had his way, Allen figured he'd never speak to anyone ever again and become a total recluse.

_Then again,_ he thought with a wry smile, _didn't I do the same? Kanda just needs time, that's all._ He was able to relax when Kanda's breathing evened out, and after a little while, he fell asleep.

The train ride was a very long one, and when Allen woke, Kanda was gone. He grumbled a little and stretched the stiffness out of his muscles, fighting the urge to be annoyed. _It's a train,_ he told himself irritably. _Where's he going to go? Relax, Walker… you're overreacting. Again._

Allen left their small compartment and decided to explore a little. The train really did remind him very much of his first trips as an Exorcist, and he stepped outside and drew a deep breath. The air was rushing by, and there was nobody out here to bother him… so he leaned against the railing and watched the countryside, letting his mind drift.

The door opened an hour or so later, but Allen didn't turn around until the person spoke. "I'm not surprised to find you here," said the cool, calm voice of Bookman.

"I like it outside," Allen replied, glancing over his shoulder before turning his attention back to the fields and forests. "It's peaceful."

"It's noisy," Bookman corrected, crossing his arms and leaning back against the wall of the car. "Why are you alone?"

Allen grit his teeth. As much as he'd cared for Lavi… it was painful to remind himself that, in the end, this _wasn't_ that same person anymore. The mannerisms, the way of speaking, the casual intrusion of privacy – it all made him want to turn around and shake him. "I chose to be," he replied, shrugging. "I like it."

There was silence for a moment, and perhaps Bookman nodded thoughtfully or stared over his head at the scenery. "Just like after the war."

Allen tensed. "What do you want?" he asked quietly. "So far all you've managed to do is upset Kanda, so whatever it is you want from me, tell me now so I don't have to deal with his anger."

Bookman chuckled, but there was no humor behind it. "From you? Not much. Your story is mostly over, Allen Walker… or will be soon. Your body is already starting to burn out from your Innocence's demands. I'm more interested in Kanda now."

_What the hell do you want from him?!_ Allen was surprised at the quick flash of anger that shot through him, and he had to work to hide it. _I can't lose my temper. That's not like me at all, and I'll be damned if I allow his change to change me too._ "Good luck," he replied wryly, glancing over his shoulder with a slight smile. "You know how secretive he's always been."

"Yes," was the even reply, and Bookman came to lean on the rail next to him. "Either way, the record will be completed."

Those words – that expression – something about it made Allen's heart wrench. "Why?" he whispered, turning his gaze on the man who used to be his friend… who used to be his lover. "Are we really nothing to you at all? Have you forgotten everything we went through together?!"

Bookman remained quiet for a long time, then glanced at Allen. "Of course I haven't. That would be an insult to my craft."

"Lavi," Allen began, and his voice was a low moan of anguish – but Bookman interrupted him.

"Lavi is gone. He was an alias, a persona… nothing more. Nothing _real._" Bookman turned his gaze back to the scenery, but not before Allen saw the flash of regret that shone in his single green eye.

"You're lying!" Allen turned to face him, knowing he was going too far – the pounding of his heart, the shortness of breath – but right then, he didn't care. "You bloody lying bastard, you don't know what you're saying, you – a-ah…"

The world grew startlingly hazy, and Allen only had time for one thought – _Kanda's going to be mad at me_ – before it faded to white, and then black.

--

"This is your fault," Kanda growled, pacing back and forth in the narrow compartment. Allen lay pale and motionless on the cushions, and Bookman sat silently across from him. "What the fuck did you say to him?"

"I told him the truth," the redhead replied, shrugging slightly. "He didn't like it."

Kanda grit his teeth and resolved not to whirl and slap that impassive expression right off of Bookman's face. It wouldn't solve anything, not really – though it would make him feel a hell of a lot better. _That bastard was goading him on,_ he thought angrily, walking the room like a caged animal. _I just know it. He said something, and Allen – damn his soft, bleeding heart – Allen just had to get fucking worked up over it!_

"Damn it!" Kanda whirled and hit the wall next to the window, breathing hard, then turned back to Bookman with a dark glare. "Whatever you did – whatever you _said_ – if I find out you did it again, I will kill you with my bare hands."

Bookman gazed up at him, neutral as always. That alone made Kanda want to punch him. "Why?" he asked calmly. "What does it matter? You never cared about him or anyone else, so why start now?"

This was dangerous territory and he knew it, and Kanda had never been one to let his emotions get the best of him. He spared a scathing glance for Allen, laying still and silent, then turned his gaze back to Bookman. "You're right," he said flatly. "I don't care."

"You do," came the calm response, and Kanda suddenly couldn't breathe. Before Bookman could say anything else and end up with Mugen through his throat, Kanda stormed out of the room and out of the car, walking through the others until he was outside gripping the rails of the caboose as though they were someone's neck that he'd dearly love to wring.

_This is all your fault, Walker,_ he thought, staring at the retreating countryside. _If I hadn't stumbled across you, if you hadn't changed so damn much, if I hadn't…!_

It took several hours for him to calm himself, but when he finally did and returned to Allen's side, Bookman was gone. Kanda spared a second of irritation – who the hell would leave someone like this alone? – then knelt next to the cushion to check on him. His breathing was even and his face had more color, and Kanda grudgingly realized that he was just sleeping – no longer unconscious.

As if to prove it, Allen's eyes slowly fluttered open. "Kanda?" he whispered. He blinked sleepily at the ceiling for a moment before turning his head to look at the swordsman. "Ah… there you are. I was wondering."

Kanda made a noncommittal sound and looked to the side. "You managed to send yourself into a fit."

"I know," Allen replied, his voice full of chagrin. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. … Bookman came outside to see me, and we talked, and I… got angry." He sighed softly and shifted on the cushion. "I'm sorry, Kanda… I don't want to be a burden."

"You're not," Kanda replied curtly, still not looking at him. "Go back to sleep."

Allen didn't say anything for a moment, then he shifted again and reached out to touch Kanda's shoulder. "He said you were looking for me," he whispered, "before we left our camp in the woods. He said… that you needed me."

_Damn him._ Kanda felt cold all over, and his stomach clenched. His face suddenly felt hot, and he knew he was flushed. "I don't need anybody," he said curtly, "and _Bookman_ is full of shit."

"Kanda," Allen murmured, and the hand on his arm tightened its grip. "Look at me. _Talk_ to me! I know how you feel – I feel it too! All those years… please, Kanda…!"

The anguish in Allen's voice bit through the perilous defenses he'd built around himself, and Kanda found himself shifting so that he was stretched out next to Allen on that pitifully narrow cushion. It forced them both onto their sides, and Allen tucked his head beneath Kanda's chin and lay still. "I told you, he doesn't know what he's talking about," Kanda murmured into the soft, white hair that tickled his nose and caressed his face. "Just shut up and rest."

Allen sighed quietly. "I told you I'd be with you every step of the way, to help you through this," he whispered. "I meant it. … it's okay if you don't trust me enough yet to tell me the whole story."

"Damn it, that's not it," Kanda began – but he cut himself off. _If I told you, you'd look at me with disgust in your eyes – and you're the one person I can't take that from. Not now._

A gentle hug was Allen's only response, and Kanda was left laying still and staring into the darkening compartment as the sun set outside. _Damn you, Bookman,_ he thought scathingly. _Damn your meddling, your fucking obsession with your records… and damn you for befriending him, for taking him to your bed, and abandoning him._

The anger didn't make things any easier, certainly, nor did it allow Kanda to justify what he himself was doing… but it gave his mind a familiar route of escape, and after a little while of seething, he calmed down… and after a bit of just laying still and breathing Allen's scent, feeling his warmth – he fell asleep.

--

**A/N:** First off, I have to apologize profusely for the delay in this chapter's release! I had some personal things pop up and I just had some massive writer's block, and ugh... it was really, really bad. x.x I do sincerely thank those of you who have taken the time to read this chapter, and I promise - promise!! - that the next one will not take me so long to finish. I don't know why this one was so hard... but I suppose that ties into the fact that I'm not entirely satisfied with it. My betas tell me otherwise, though, so here it is and I certainly hope you guys agree! Thanks to my beta readers, Folded and Moyashi - and again, thanks to all of you for reading!!


	9. Chapter 9

Kanda had had the mistaken thought that there was nothing in the world that could be worse than that train ride. If it wasn't Bookman skulking around watching him, it was Allen's uneven breath and rapid heartbeat that kept him awake for hours and hours. By the time they got on the boat, he figured nothing else could possibly make the trip any worse at all.

He was very, very wrong.

"I'm sorry, Master Kanda," the captain said in clear, crisp Japanese. "There are not enough rooms to go around. You will have to share with your companions."

Kanda grit his teeth and counted to ten once, then once more. "Those bastards are not my companions," he hissed. "The white-haired moron is, but the red-head and the kid are _not._"

The captain shook his head. "Again, I apologize, but that is the way things have to be."

After the captain took his leave – which was lucky for him, because Kanda was about to kill him and throw his corpse in the ocean – Allen slowly walked over to him and put a hand on his shoulder. "Kanda?" he asked quietly. "What's wrong?"

"We have to share a room," he said curtly, glancing over his shoulder. "With those two."

Allen's expression darkened for a moment, but then brightened with the same gentle, keep-moving-forward smile he always wore. "It will be fine," he soothed. "Maybe someone will cancel their trip."

"And maybe hell will freeze over," Kanda snapped back. "Come on. You need to be resting anyway."

The cabin was as tiny as he'd feared. The room was very small, with no windows, and there were two bunk beds crammed into it. Kanda pushed Allen onto the lower bunk of one of the beds and crossed his arms, waiting for the General to stop sulking and start resting. "Kanda, I feel fine," he protested. "I want to see the ocean…"

Kanda rolled his eyes. "You're staying here if I have to tie you down."

A day into their voyage, Kanda was strongly wishing for a good, solid length of rope… but whether he'd tie Allen to the bed or strangle Bookman was up in the air. He spent as much of his time outside and away from everyone as possible, but all that did was leave him with the nagging suspicion that Bookman was going to do or say something to send Allen into another fit. The moon was bright and the sea was calm, but the swordsman was anything but soothed by the atmosphere.

_I fucking hate this,_ he thought sourly. _Why the hell we had to run into Lavi – Bookman – of all people… and Walker._ His mood worsened as he glared up at the starry sky. _He's… dying. I have no right to do this to him._

A promise was a promise, though, and Kanda had one to keep. In Japan, _that person_ awaited him… and he was not going to disappoint. Still, his stomach twisted into knots when he thought about it. Allen's words echoed in his mind, telling him that Bookman had said he'd been looking for him… and he felt, for a moment, horribly guilty.

Luckily the moment passed quickly, and lovely features hardened as their owner reminded himself of exactly what he was doing and why. _You fucking killed my mother, you rat bastard,_ he thought coldly, gripping the rail of the boat. _This will give me the revenge I've been seeking for more than half my life._

"Kanda?" a soft voice asked, causing him to relinquish his death grip on the rail. He turned, and frowned when he saw Allen standing behind him.

"What the hell are you doing up?" he asked curtly. "You're supposed to be asleep."

Allen smiled faintly and walked over to stand next to him. "I couldn't sleep any more," he murmured. "I'm tired of being in bed, Kanda. I'm not going to fall over dead in the next hour."

Kanda growled and glanced up at him – _up!_ – and then looked back at the ocean. "Idiot," he muttered.

The next thing he knew, Allen was standing behind him and there were gentle arms around him. "I know," the younger Exorcist whispered, his lips right next to Kanda's ear. "That doesn't matter right now, either."

Despite himself, Kanda relaxed into Allen's arms and glared out at the ocean again. It wasn't long before his eyes drifted closed, and he just enjoyed the warmth and strength Allen provided. "You are sick," he said quietly. "That's a fact, Walker."

"Yes," Allen agreed, his voice quiet. "You're dying too, Kanda… as horribly macabre as it sounds, it seems we're a matched pair."

Kanda snorted. "That's great," he said, rolling his eyes. "You're just fucking full of cheer, aren't you?"

Allen laughed softly. "Since you came back into my life, I've felt a lot happier, you know." He tightened his grip on Kanda, and the swordsman could only sigh and allow it. "Kanda… I missed you so much. That night when you came to my door, I… I thought that God was finally listening to me."

"God had nothing to do with it," Kanda muttered, feeling vaguely ill. _Just shut the fuck up, moyashi,_ he thought desperately. _Shut up before you destroy everything I've worked for!_

"So you say," Allen replied, amusement in his voice. "Still… it gives me something to hope for, something to believe in. Having you here…" He trailed off, then sighed softly. "And Lavi… in a way."

That was a welcome distraction, and Kanda turned around to look up at Allen. "That isn't Lavi," he said curtly. "That's a fucking fraud who befriended us and threw us away. Don't make the mistake of trusting him again."

The younger Exorcist was silent for a little while, then he nodded slowly. "I know," he murmured. "But I keep seeing him… as he was after the Ark, and…"

"Stop now," Kanda warned. "If you keep this up, you'll only hurt yourself."

Allen fell silent, then looked down at Kanda and smiled faintly. "You're right. I'm sorry." He shook his head and looked back at the stars, and Kanda suddenly found himself driven by pure instinct. He put his arms around his lover – or the man who would be, if circumstances would allow it – and when Allen looked down, their lips brushed once, twice… and then they were clinging to each other beneath the dark sky.

Kanda could feel his heartbeat speeding up, could feel Allen's against his own as they kissed – but it was a strong, steady rhythm. That alone could have added to the light-headedness he suddenly felt, but when Allen swept his hands down Kanda's back and gently tugged his shirt out of his trousers to sweep them back up against his bare skin, he realized it was something more than that. It was something he hadn't felt much of in his life, something he'd denied himself up until meeting Allen again and that time in the darkest hour before dawn when the two had finally stopped lying to themselves and each other. It was warm, sparkling through his veins like a drug… and this time, he chose to give in.

Allen's skin was warm against his fingers as Kanda returned the favor, slipping slender, strong hands beneath his shirt to touch him. Allen gasped and arched into the touch, laughter filtering into the kiss. "Cold!" he protested. "Kanda!"

"So warm them up," Kanda replied, keeping his voice as deadpan as possible as he looked up at Allen and raised an eyebrow.

Allen gazed down at him, silver eyes half closed. "Mm… maybe I will." He bent and kissed Kanda again, and Kanda let his lips part when Allen's tongue lightly caressed them, and then he forgot everything. Nothing mattered except Allen and the way he tasted, the way he felt in Kanda's arms, the slight shiver that shook him when Kanda's fingers dipped slightly beneath his waistband on his backside and then slowly ran back up his spine.

A sudden fear gripped him then, as a slight wave rocked the boat and he remembered where he was and what he was doing. _No,_ he thought, quickly breaking the kiss and taking a step back. Allen blinked, confused, and reached for him – but he turned and fled before the other could say a word. _I can't allow this. I can't!_

It rained the next day, which kept the two unhappy Exorcists stuck in their cabin with Bookman and his apprentice. For the most part the room was silent, with Allen resting in his bed and Bookman quietly drilling Peter on whatever schooling he needed. Kanda lay on his back in his bed, staring up at the ceiling, unable to forget what had happened beneath the stars. _I want him,_ he thought blankly. _I can't have him. Where the fuck did all this start to go wrong?!_

Allen coughed slightly, and before Kanda could get up, Bookman had crossed the narrow cabin and knelt next to him. "Drink this," he instructed, holding a mug of tea.

"Not thirsty," Allen murmured back, and that broke Kanda's patience and willpower. He jumped down from his bunk and glared Bookman out of his way, then sat on the edge of Allen's bed and gently lifted him up with one arm around him.

"Drink," Kanda muttered. "You need the medicine."

Allen just gazed at him sadly, but he took the mug and drank. Kanda wanted to kick himself, but instead he allowed himself one more act of selfishness. He bent and kissed Allen gently, and to hell with the fact that Bookman and Peter were in the room. Allen kissed back, surprised… and when Kanda broke the kiss, his gray eyes were no longer troubled. A gentle smile curved his lips, and he lifted a hand to touch Kanda's cheek. _I understand,_ those eyes said. _I know you're scared. It's going to be all right._

The boat docked not nearly soon enough after, and by the time Kanda was back on solid ground, his nerves were close to shot. He was sick of Bookman, sick of the stupid little brat he dragged around… and mostly, he was sick of himself. His eyes narrowed as he looked around, taking in the sights of the port town and listening to people chattering in his mother tongue.

"Wow," Allen murmured, surprised. "It looks so cheerful…"

Bookman walked up to stand next to them and crossed his arms. "Of course it does," he said matter-of-factly. "Don't you see how hard they're trying? Japan is not at peace."

_I fucking hate him,_ Kanda thought coldly, stalking forward through the crowd of people without a word to his companions. They hurried to catch up, which if possible made him feel even worse than it had before… but his resolve was strengthening with each step he took. _I'm going to do this. I'm going to see my parents avenged… I'm going to see my family's name out of ruin._

"Now what do we do?" Allen asked, hurrying up to walk alongside him. "How far do we have to travel?"

Kanda didn't answer. He was too busy trying to gauge the crowd and what his chances were of getting rid of Bookman and his apprentice. The last thing he wanted was that red-headed idiot to record what he was going to do. _If I can just… aha!_

A conveniently placed fruit cart – which may or may not have been knocked askew by a particularly strong kick from Kanda – provided their escape. He grabbed Allen and took off into an alley, and didn't stop running until Allen's breaths turned into wheezing gasps. He pulled Allen's body up against his own and contemplated his options, then hauled the suffering Exorcist into an abandoned building. So he assumed, and so he hoped, at any rate – it looked like it was in bad enough condition. He pushed Allen down into the basement, and the two hunkered together in the darkness in a far corner behind some boxes and various other piles of debris.

"Where are we?" Allen finally whispered, lifting his head from where he'd tucked it against Kanda's neck.

Kanda glanced around. "Some old building," he replied with a shrug. "Either way, we're rid of that fucking nuisance, and that was my goal."

Allen coughed a little and leaned back against the wall. "Kanda," he scolded. "You know he's just going to find us again."

"No, he's not," Kanda muttered. He drew Mugen and silently apologized for using it for such a trivial task, then activated it quickly and used it as a light. The dust in the basement was so thick that he was fairly certain the building hadn't been occupied for several years. He paused, considering his options. His hand slipped into the pocket of his coat and his fingers brushed against something that nobody ever knew he had – and that was exactly how he wanted it to stay. He glanced at his bag on the floor, thinking about the lotus inside… and he gripped the small figurine tightly.

_Forgive me._

He turned to Allen and walked back, tipping his head up and kissing him softly… but before Allen could so much as react, Kanda's hand shot out of his pocket and the hidden catch on the figurine activated. Allen made an anguished sound as the needle pierced his neck, then slumped – and Kanda grabbed him before he fell.

"I do love you," he whispered, shifting to lay Allen gently down on the floor. "I'm counting on that stupid optimistic outlook of yours, and that will to forgive everyone no matter what… _moyashi._" He checked the General's pulse, and once he found it strong and steady, he got up and slowly walked up the rickety stairs.

As luck would have it, there was an old telephone on one of the walls. Kanda walked over and hooked his golem up to it, then dialed a number and waited.

After a few rings, a voice came on the line loud and clear. "It's about time."

"I was delayed," Kanda replied curtly. "Do you have what I want?"

"That depends," the voice replied smoothly. "Do you have what _I_ want?"

Kanda glanced at the stairs leading to the basement and swallowed his sudden desire to tell the voice to go fuck itself. "He's in the basement. You'll find the building."

The voice chuckled. "We're already on the way… see you soon, _Yuu._"

The line went dead, and Kanda slumped back against the wall. He closed his eyes tight and willed his breath to steady, willed his rebellious emotions to be gone and leave him in peace. _I have to do this. I have never had a choice. This is what I must do. This is the vow I have made and kept. … and when I see my dear uncle… I'm going to shove Mugen down his self-righteous throat._

_--_

**A/N:** It seems like I've been inspired!! This chapter practically wrote itself. My betas are happy with it, I'm happy with it, and the story is getting to the point I've been looking forward to since I started it. I hope you've all been enjoying it so far!! Thanks to my dear betas, Folded and Moyashi, and to all of you who've been so patient with me while I've been working on this story. Standard disclaimers do apply as always... I do not own D. Gray-man or the characters therein, and this story is certainly not for profit. It's just for fun... which I've been having a lot of! Stay tuned for chapter 10!


	10. Chapter 10

The first thing Allen knew when he woke up was that he had an odd taste in the back of his mouth. It was like some sort of fruit syrup, thick and sweet… but after a little while, it went from sweet to nauseating. He groaned faintly and tossed his head to the side a little, feeling worse than he had in ages – _did the mission I was on go bad?_ – until he felt a gentle cloth brushing against his face.

"Shh," a soothing voice said quietly. It was female, or he thought it was – his mind was so muddled that he couldn't really tell. "You're very sick. Go back to sleep… you'll feel better soon."

Allen groaned softly and struggled to open his eyes. "Kanda," he tried to say, but his tongue felt thick and the name came out as a soft moan. "Please…!"

The woman dabbed at his face again. "Sleep," she murmured. "It's better that way. Sleep…"

The world spun dizzyingly, and then Allen had no choice – all color, all sound, everything slowly faded out until all he knew was darkness.

--

It was still dark. Allen slowly looked around, eyes desperately seeking anything at all other than warm, velvety blackness. _Am I blind?_

_No._

Allen jumped a little at the response to his question, spinning around to look behind him. "Who's there?!" he cried. "Please, I – I can't see!"

_I know._

Panic surged through him, an unfamiliar feeling that turned his knees to jelly and knotted his stomach tight. His heart raced, fluttering in his chest like a bird struggling to escape a tight grip… and then he felt a gentle hand over it, and though he jerked back, the touch stayed with him.

_Your heart begins to fail._

"Don't," Allen breathed, not knowing how to fight. He struggled to activate his Innocence, but Crown Clown wouldn't respond. He took a step back, and another, but that phantom touch stayed with him, and his heart raced ever faster. "Please!!"

_Can you hear it?_

It was hard not to. It was more or less all he could hear outside of his rasping breath… even, rapid, but weakening. His breath came in short, sharp pants as that hand pressed harder against his chest. _I'm going to die here. Whatever this is, I'm going to die, it's going to kill me…! Kanda!!_

_He won't come for you just yet._

Tears trickled down Allen's cheeks, hot and bitter. _That's right. I'm here because of him._ He closed them tight against the pain that surged through him, choked off his hair and made his already overburdened heart ache. _He said he loved me, didn't he? … and now here I am… he put me here._

_You have so little faith._

"What faith am I supposed to have?" Allen yelled, his voice breaking. He hung his head, biting his lip hard. There was no escaping that gentle touch, or the voice that came with it. "Kanda… betrayed me."

_Yes and no. … but I am here._

The General paused. His heartbeat slowed, his breath slowly evened… but the tears refused to go away. "Who are you?" he whispered, terrified that he knew the answer. Terrified that his worst nightmares were going to come true.

_You know who I am._

Silence for a long moment, and then pale lips moved slowly, forming a silent word. Not a question… but a declaration, a naming of this entity. "Musician."

_Yes._

"I sealed you away," Allen murmured, frowning into the darkness. "How can this be? Did I… did I fail?"

_No. The seal over me broke when you were stabbed in the neck._

That didn't make a lot of sense to him, but then again, nothing much seemed to. Allen closed his eyes and bowed his head. "Then, this is it," he whispered. "This is what I fought to avoid."

Slowly, as though waking from a dream, vision began returning. He stood in a white room, with a couch, and a mirror… and a piano. He looked around, confused, though he recognized it immediately – and standing across from him was a young man. He looked almost identical to Allen, save that his curse mark was replaced by a Crown of Thorns across his brow… and where Allen was pale, this Noah was ashen, as they all were. Silver eyes turned to gold, and his left arm… wasn't Innocence any longer. It was normal, smooth and unblemished, as the Fourteenth stood naked and unashamed in front of him.

_No._

Allen blinked. "No?" he asked, worrying his lip with his top teeth. "How not?"

The Fourteenth smiled faintly. _I never wanted you dead. You were too strong for me to fight, and after you defeated the Earl, my powers waned until they were nearly gone. By then, I couldn't tell you. You heard it, didn't you?_

"Heard what?" Everything seemed so vague, so out of place. Allen didn't know up from down anymore, and his eyes were trapped by the Fourteenth's – gold, bright gold, but not threatening.

_Never that._ Slowly, the Noah walked forward until he was right in front of Allen, then reached up to caress his cheek. _My melody,_ he continued. _You heard it in your dreams. Every time you controlled the Ark… and when passion drove you to retreat to a place you could be alone._

Allen bit his lip, then nodded slowly. "Yes," he murmured. "I heard it." The melody had soothed him when he was upset, had given him comfort when he felt so alone that he feared he would die of it. _I missed my friends so much during that time I was alone… how was he still singing to me, even though he was sealed?_

The Fourteenth's lips curved slightly, and he leaned forward. _Never fear… I will protect you from now on. You have nothing to worry about._ With that, he touched his lips to Allen's – and Allen felt a split second of warmth, of joy, and then he knew nothing else.

--

Standing alone in a luxurious room, Kanda was doing his very best to not start destroying things. He didn't know what to think, what to _feel_ - so he simply didn't allow himself to do either. He called upon the calm that came over him in battle, the dangerous clarity that allowed him to be as lethal as possible… and waited.

After what felt like an eternity, the door finally opened, and two men walked in. Kanda's lip curled slightly when he saw them, but he didn't move from his spot by the window, arms tightly crossed. "It's been a long time, Yuu," one of the men said – the man he'd spoken to on the phone before handing Allen over. "I almost didn't think you'd come."

"Tch," Kanda replied, dark eyes turning to look back out the window. Boredom was the last thing he felt, but it was all he would allow them to see. "I said I would, and I keep my word." It had been so long since he'd spoken Japanese that the words felt slightly odd on his tongue, but he didn't stumble or falter. Any sign of weakness would mean his downfall, and that wasn't something he could afford – not with Allen's life hanging in the balance, and the entirely too likely probability of Bookman showing up and ruining the entire damn plan.

"So you do. Just like your father." The man's smirk deepened, and Kanda had to resist the urge to throttle him right then and there. "I knew him well, you know."

Dark eyes bored holes through the window, determined to show no emotion, no weakness. _He's enjoying this, the fucking bastard. He's waiting to see me get angry, waiting for something he can use against me. I refuse to give it to him. I won't sink that low._

The other man chuckled, sitting down in one of the chairs. "I think he's getting restless, Konue-san. We should give him his payment… seeing as how he performed so beautifully for us."

"I agree. My apologies for keeping you waiting so long, Yuu... we simply had to make sure that he was delivered in good condition." The leader stood up and walked to a nearby shelf, rifled through a stack of papers for a few moments, then pulled down a thick envelope and offered it to Kanda.

As Kanda took the envelope from the man, he stared down at it and struggled to repress his growing excitement. _At last,_ he thought, gripping the documents tightly. _That person... and the promise I made... it's almost over._ Without a glance back, Kanda turned and walked out of the room, then out of the building altogether. _They'll be watching me. I'll give them what they want, but not when they expect it. Beansprout... you'd better be alive when I get to you!_

–

The Fourteenth had long been biding his time, waiting for the seal to weaken so that he could once again emerge. He'd never been a threat, never been anything more than a simple presence... and though it irked him to no end, he could understand why Allen had sealed him away along with the Ark. It had been _necessary_. God, how he hated that word! What many people deemed _necessary_ was often, in the Fourteenth's mind, something horribly cruel. He'd never experienced much kindness growing up, never had the kind of family that would love him unconditionally... except his brother, Mana.

Golden eyes opened and gazed up at the ceiling of the room as the Musician began coming to full wakefulness. It had been a long time, and he still felt very sleepy. It was an annoyance, but nothing that would stop him for long. Allen now slept in the back of his mind, as he had once slept in the back of Allen's, and the Fourteenth couldn't help a small smile at the sheer irony of it all. Allen had given him control, had trusted him to get them out of this mess – and the Fourteenth had no plans to do otherwise. So long as he was in the hands of these brokers, he would certainly not be safe, which to him was absolutely unacceptable. He was too important, knew too much, had too much yet to do to allow himself to be held captive by such pitiful creatures. Still... still, he felt weak as a newborn kitten after his years of slumber, and he knew that he wouldn't simply be able to bash his way out and call it a day. He could feel Allen's Innocence raging against him, and keeping it at bay would take a good deal of his strength and concentration.

How, then, would be the best way to get out? That seemed to be the question of the day. The Fourteenth slowly sat up, stretching his arms and legs, testing the strength of his body and finding it sufficient. Allen kept himself in excellent shape, even with his fading health, and the Fourteenth would need every last bit of it to get them out alive. After that... it seemed he would have to deal with Kanda Yuu, which would be a hassle. Kanda was strong, incredibly so – he'd always been one of the Order's most powerful Exorcists. Even with the curse slowly taking his life from him, he could still – _would_ still – fight with all the power he had. Golden eyes closed halfway as the Fourteenth considered his options regarding Kanda... and he felt something at the back of his mind, a hint of desperation.

_Leave him alone!_

"All things in their time," he murmured, stretching supple muscles again before slowly standing up. If Allen didn't want him harmed, the Fourteenth wouldn't harm him... despite the fact that the man had apparently betrayed them. Still, he'd always been the type who enjoyed a good story, and Kanda's proved to be interesting at the very least... so perhaps it would be worthwhile after all, to listen to him and see what would come of it. Maybe he would even discover something he hadn't already known... and with a man like Kanda Yuu, there had to be secrets in abundance.

Now, then, came the question of how to get out. The room was plain enough, with wooden walls and a wooden floor... no window, of course, which wasn't that much of an issue. The door was also wood, and heavy, so the Fourteenth's slight frame would have a difficult time breaking it down without the help of Crown Clown or his own Noah abilities. Brute strength was inherent in every Noah, and he himself had certainly snapped a bone or two with a simple grip... so while it wouldn't be inherently difficult to get out, it would be a _pain._ People would hear, come running, and the Musician would have to fight. He snorted a bit, graceful hands clenching into fists before he folded himself into a seated position on the floor.

"Fighting like a brute," he murmured. "That seems something more fit for Skinn than myself."

_You can fight?_ Allen's sleepy voice caught his attention once again, and the Fourteenth blinked.

"Of course," he replied, shrugging a little as he spread his legs before him, stretching down between them to test his body's flexibility. "I simply detest it. I never wanted any of this... but, nobody ever asked me, and so I have no choice. I am what I am."

Allen was quiet for a moment while he considered the words, then spoke again, still sounding half-awake. _Mana... was he...?_

The Fourteenth smiled faintly and closed his eyes. "No," he replied. "My brother was quite normal, I assure you."

_I loved him._ Allen's voice took on a mournful tone that stabbed straight to the Fourteenth's core, causing golden eyes to sting just a bit. _I'll see him soon..._

"Not if I have anything to say about it," the Noah murmured, and Allen didn't reply – he simply drifted back to sleep. Full lips pressed into a line as the Fourteenth continued stretching, waiting for the door to open and his chance to pounce. He had absolutely no intention of dying, nor did he have any intention of letting Allen die. In fact, if Allen knew what he was planning... well, suffice it to say, he'd have a fit. At any rate, the Fourteenth could only hope it would be worth it in the end... and so, stretching complete, he went back to the bed and lay down, waiting patiently.

He could wait a long, long time if it came down to it.

--

**A/N:** Well, here it is, after... way too long! I hope you enjoyed chapter ten, and I think if I keep apologizing each chapter for taking forever, all I'll ever be doing is apologizing - so I'd rather say thank you for reading, and hello new readers, and I'm going to do my VERY BEST to finish this story within the next few months. I don't tend to write with an outline, just a general idea in mind, so I often get stuck - but my betas have been lovely, and both of them have been kicking my arse to get this finished. ;P Thanks to them, Moyashi and Folded, and general disclaimers apply as always - I don't own DGM or the characters therein, this story is not for profit - simply for fun. ^^


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